Does your partner want you to be more dominant sexually? Do you want to explore your dominant side?
The following are messages we’ve received from readers who all want to up their domination game.
“My new lover wants me to be more dominant in the bedroom. I’m open to it, but don’t really know how to be dominant as my nature is not very controlling. I enjoy mild fetishes and kinks with my husband and other lovers, but feel kind of silly playing someone else. Still, I like this guy and would like to give this a go!”
“My partner told me he is submissive and really wants to discover himself sexually. He has asked if I would be willing to be more dominant in sex. The thought turns me on, but I don’t really know how to go about it.”
“I get really turned on by films where a dominant woman is in charge sexually and just takes what she wants. But I don’t really ‘get’ BDSM and find all the permission and prop stuff really off putting. Whips and chains really aren’t my thing. Is there such a thing as domination without all that?”
“I secretly long to treat my lovers the way they beg to be treated—like dirt. To wear outrageous rubber and leather costumes, and to have men lick my boots. I have no idea where to begin.”
6 Tips to Be More Dominant in Bed
Inquiring minds everywhere want to know—how do I be more dominant in bed?
1. Start in Solitude, with Honest Reflection
If you’re overwhelmed by confusion or uncertainty, on this subject or any other, it’s sometimes just a matter of giving yourself an honest chance to sort out your thoughts.
Come to terms with your desires, your fantasies, your limits, and what you really don’t know.
Domination is a spectrum, and has many motivations. Clarify your needs, intentions, and expectations in the privacy of your own headspace.
Don’t censor yourself here! Do you secretly long to have total ownership over a male slave but aren’t sure your husband will go for it? Do you actually find the whole thing a bit silly but really want to be open minded and loving to satisfy someone you care for? Are you totally up for it and turned on by the idea—to a point?
Knowing where you stand can help you fill in the blanks. One might even say that being dominant is knowing what you want, and going after it. So figuring out where you are at, and where you want to go, is a great start.
Read: Can BDSM Save Your Relationship?
2. Ask for What you Want
Even if you have a great sex life with any or all of your partners, there are likely times you weren’t sure about something, didn’t want to impose, didn’t want to offend, didn’t know if he’d be into it, or weren’t sure the timing was right. So you let it slide or stayed silent.
These are the areas where you can begin. Find your confidence by risking the reward.
Maybe you need more oral sex but worry it takes you too long, and he might get tired. Maybe you wanted less breast stimulation because they were too sensitive close to your period, but you knew he was enjoying himself. Maybe you wanted a bigger dildo but felt self-conscious about asking for it.
Read: How to Talk to a Partner about Sex
3. Share Your Fantasies
Talk openly with your partner about sexual fantasies, including domination fantasies. Ask him too share what sexual domination looks like to him.
One lover might want to be stripped naked and left in a cage all day in a cold room while you are out spending his money. Another might simply hope you’ll initiate sex more and talk dirty. Spell out the nitty gritty.
Sometimes we’re not sure what we want exactly or how it will play out.
Toss out fantasy scenarios for a game of “yay or nay” or “how wet or hard does this make you?” Take turns saying things like “red high heels” and “blindfolded and paddled.” Watch porn together and discussing what turns you on and what turns you off works, too.
Read: How to Introduce Your Fetish to a Curious Lover
4. Tell, Don’t Ask
One simple shift in bedroom domination is the change from questions to commands. Instead of hoping or using an open-ended question , consider it a done deal and start directing.
Tell him what he’ll do, rather than asking.
Read: Kinky Sex: 10 Surprising Benefits
5. Make Eye Contact
If you analyze those intense scenes in films that make sexual domination look so hot, the unifier is not a ball gag, leather clothing, or sadistic sex. It’s simple eye contact.
From bedroom to boardroom, the smoldering scenes of confidence start there. Start making more eye contact during sexual communication, seduction, requests and action.
Read: 5 Tips to Build Your Sexual Confidence
6. Initiate Sex More
A gentle but important place to start is with you initiating sex. If it’s mostly him, or even equal, start by initiating sex whenever you want sex. It changes things psychologically, and makes the rest come more naturally.
Read: How to Initiate Sex with Your Partner
7. Dress the Part
Black rubber and corsets are hella sexy, and if they appeal, go for it. But you don’t need to dress up sexually like a professional dominatrix to be more dominant in or out of bed.
Dress the way you wish you dressed—does that make sense? A ponytail, yoga pants, and a turtle neck are ninja powerful. A pant suit is strong. A southern Baptist Sunday best can be dominant and demanding under an innocent veneer.
Think here about job search advice—dress for the job you want, rather than the job you have.” Bingo.
Read: Can BDSM Save Your Relationship?
8. Take Charge of His Orgasm
Decide that YOU decide when and how he comes. This is a powerful act of domination, and it’s erotic and thrilling.
Maybe you aim to please and when he groans and grunts you go with it. Great, but not this time. Stop everything, then start again. If he’s nearly there, pull back and tell him you want him to wait until you’ve come twice.
Simply taking charge of his orgasm changes everything.
Read: What Is Orgasm Denial and Edging?
9. Role Play
The easiest way that we can practice playing someone else, or playing a side of ourselves we have neglected, is by pretending. Playing someone else gives us permission to explore, experiment, or feel foolish. Even if you’ve never role played, go for it.
Don’t think of role play as something silly for the bedroom. Think of it the same way you would think about acting. Playing the part of a ruthless CEO, a hungry politician, a horny female cop, a queen, a rock star—you name it—might give you everything you need to figure out how to be dominant in bed.
Read: 8 Benefits of Sexual Roleplay
Are you sexually dominant in the bedroom? Is it natural or do you play the part?
Tell us what you think