How to Talk to a New Poly Partner about Sex

Talking about sex is hard for most of us, but it really shouldn’t be! Imagine if we lived in a world where sex was just as acceptable a topic as food. Why can’t it be?! Like eating, sex is one of our basic human needs, yet it is often regarded as shameful and dirty.

Here are some suggestions for making the topic of sex a little less awkward when you approach it with a partner for the very first time.

Declare a Safe Space

Assure your partner that whatever is said in the privacy of the bedroom will not be discussed with anyone else. If they are new to the poly lifestyle, your partner might assume that everything is fair game when it comes to sharing with the group. This can make it hard for them to open up, especially if they do not yet feel close to the other members of your polycule.

Don’t rush things. Take the time to gain your partner’s trust, even in small ways, before you ask them to share their desires, or details of their previous sexual experiences.

Listen without Judgment

While your partner is speaking, don’t interject with stories of your own, or comment on how their words make you feel. You might be surprised by something your partner shares, maybe they’re way kinkier than you imagined, or they’ve had way more partners than you… or way fewer!

You don’t know what you’re going to hear when the confessional floodgates open, so don’t try to predict anything. Coming to the conversation with preconceived ideas will only create tension and an air of judgment that you certainly don’t want to project in this situation.

Open Up about Your Experiences

Sometimes it helps to share first, just to prove that you’re willing to be vulnerable. When it is your time to speak, do so in the most honest and genuine way possible. Don’t be afraid of embarrassing yourself. Great sex requires emotional risk, and if your partner makes you feel bad about yourself, then you probably aren’t that compatible to begin with.

As a side note, much of this awkwardness can be avoided by seeking out like-minded people in your online dating attempts. Be straightforward in your online dating profile to reduce the number of surprises down the road.

Ask about Their Fantasies

Digging into a partner’s fantasies can be a great adventure. You might discover that you’re into things you never even knew existed! That’s one of the wonderful advantages of polyamory, the freedom to explore new avenues of pleasure. Many of us are taught never to share the details of our fantasies, so talking about it can be both a terrifying and freeing experience.

Don’t expect the conversation to happen right out of the gate. You might be a little deeper into your sexual relationship before the topic comes up, but if you’ve created an environment of trust, your partner will probably want to share with you.

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