Tips & Advice

How to Introduce Your Fetish to a Curious Lover

Woman with Flogger in Teeth

If you are polyamorous and generally kinky and experimental, you probably date like-minded people. Your friends, not just your lovers, might also be kinky.

But it happens to everyone sometime—you land a date with someone who isn’t on the same page. Maybe you meet her at work, and she asks you out. Or maybe you couldn’t take your eyes off her online profile pic, so you messaged her even though she wasn’t into your particular fetishes or fantasies.

And now she’s ready and willing to try your fetish, and wants you to show her the ropes!

It can be intimidating to show a new lover who isn’t kinky this side of you, or it can make you feel vulnerable. Maybe you don’t want to take her where she isn’t sure she wants to go. But showing a new lover your deepest desires can awaken hers, and it can be very erotic and powerful for both of you.

5 Tips to Introduce Your Fetish to a New Lover

1. Remember, Consent Is Key

Obviously, this situation only works with those who are curious, willing, and ready.

Don’t try to sweet talk some random hottie into a golden shower or BDSM domination or group sex, unless she has explicitly expressed her consent and desire to go through those doors.

2. Take It Slow and Easy

If you’re into extreme stuff or a darker flavor of fetish, start out at the fringes and let her baptism be playful, sensual, and slow. Introduce her to your fetish at a patient and sensuous pace. Let her absorb the basics, wade in slowly to test the waters and see how she responds.

3. Care for Her Body and Soul

Even if you are casual lovers, show respect for her desires, experiences, fantasies, comfort—both physical and psychological. Don’t mock her if you think she “can’t take it”—not everyone is where you are, and you don’t like everything either.

Respect her needs for safely and for pleasure, too—if she doesn’t find pleasure in the kinky stuff, or does in a different kink from yours, show some back and forth and look after her needs first.

Read: 5 Kinks that Work for Poly Lovers

4. Provide Information and Community Support, when Relevant

Poly and kink communities are generally very open minded and tolerant, and if she’s knocking on heaven’s door, it’s probably because she’s curious or kink inclined and wants to see where things will go. If she’s particularly interested in a particular scene—bondage or domination or polyamory—share websites, literature, and other resources that reflect her interests and answer her questions.

If you’d like to guide her towards some kinky educational materials, see Kink Lovers’ Guide to BDSM Education: Where to Learn Online

5. Don’t Be Jealous

If you’re a long-time kink lover initiating a new lover to the fetish world, understand that if she likes what she finds, she’ll eventually experience the thrills you’re showing her with other lovers.

You might be strangely possessive or experience other strong protective or jealous emotions, or a mixture, and that’s normal but keep it in check. You are probably not right for each other for the long haul, but this can be a very special passage for both of you.

And remember, if it doesn’t work out there are plenty of kinky fish in the sea. To meet women into fetish and kink, read 4 Places to Meet Kinky Women.

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