Please believe me when I say that dating a couple is one of the fun perks of being an open-minded, respectfully consensual individual in the local sex community!
There is an infinite ocean of single people who you can date, and that’s always an option that is satisfying to the degree it works. But there is a whole other level of relationship exploration that can be found when dating a couple.
Dating a couple, from my experience, was not exactly how I’d fantasized or imagined it to be. There were a few twists and turns, and many surprising benefits!
Benefits of Dating a Couple
1. More Sexual Possibilities
If you have a bisexual or queer identity and curiosity with your couple (assuming it’s a male and female) you will have so many more positions and ways to play with three.
Even if you aren’t open to same-sex exploration, it can be similarly satisfying with double the physical possibilities.
Read: MMF Relationships: Benefits & Challenges
2. More Emotional Support
When seeking people to connect spiritually and intellectually with, the best way for success in dating a couple is to have “kitchen table” communication.
With this dynamic, everyone openly shares their thoughts and feelings with each other without fear or mind games to create a balance to satisfy everyone’s internal needs and requests.
Read: Kitchen Table Polyamory: Making It Work
3. Individual Connections with Each Partner
You don’t necessarily have to try to be the “unicorn”—the ideal third of the relationship who makes things sexier when needed for a couple—but build something complete that involves everyone the best they can.
It’s possible that dating a couple involves separate friendships and/or sexual connections with each person.
Read: Throuple Dating and Relationship Tips
Drawbacks of Dating a Couple
1. Sexual Limitations
You may run into boundaries and rules that make sex less than you were hoping for with three, such as no kissing, no anal, or no sexting. Most of these will be hard limits the couple has created to protect their own relationship.
It’s in poor taste to ask them to change rules they’ve established to be comfortable opening their relationship. But things can evolve if you play your cards right.
Read: How to Have Sex with a Married Couple
2. Lack of Depth
Dating a couple may mean that it is strictly sex, that they don’t want you to connect deeply beyond the bedroom, share their emotional selves or hear about yours.
If they say you can’t use the words “I love you” to anyone, then that’s it. Sometimes boundaries that hard are created, and sometimes not. It depends on the emotional maturity and intelligence of the couple you’re dating.
Read: How Do Couples Find a Girlfriend?
3. Strict Discretion
Not everyone in this monogonormative society will be supportive of your progressive ideals, and you may encounter scorn, judgement, social shunning or disapproval from family, co-workers, and friends if they find out you’re dating a couple.
Read: 5 Levels of Discretion in Polyamory
But this doesn’t mean we can’t have our fun quietly in our lovely little world.
Tips for Dating a Couple
1. Be Courteous and Flexible
Maybe you only see your couple on Friday nights when the work week’s done, or Wednesday nights after 8pm. It’s unlikely that a couple will want you to be at your beck and call (though this might be the kinky arrangement you all want) but having some flexibility with your time is always good.
It’s worth understanding the situation’s scheduling requirements. Better to have a sexy hot date once or twice a month with a couple than nothing at all, I say.
Read: How to Be a Unicorn for a Poly Couple
2. Practice Safe Sex Always
Nothing makes the sexy dream of dating a couple end faster than getting one person pregnant from irresponsible fun. Unless getting them pregnant is the GOAL of dating a couple, which CAN happen and is a beautiful connection to create… IF that’s the intention!
If pregnancy is NOT the endgame, wear condoms, be safe, get tested, and be smart about not making anyone in your couple have to make a very difficult decision.
Read: 5 Ways to Practice Safe Sex in Group Play
3. Respect Communication Styles
Do you only text? Do you prefer email? Is Instagram your jam? Are booty calls okay? Do you want to share a Google calendar for scheduling dates?
Read: 4 Ways to Keep Your Polycule in the Loop
Figure out what works for all three of you. Learning how a couple wants or needs to communicate doesn’t have to take the spontaneity or fun out of the fantasy you’re living. It just means you aren’t going to screw up a good thing by messing up the basics. Little things can become massive problems if not respected.
Now, all you gotta do is find a couple who wants to receive the wonderful things you have to offer!
Read: Couples Dating Sites: Find a Couple or Third
All the best,
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart
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