If you’re new to the poly scene, you might wonder where you fall on the spectrum of sexual openness vs. discretion. Maybe you’ve read some articles or talked to friends who’ve tried it, but you’re still not 100% settled on your comfort zone.
Until you jump into polyamory and give it a try, you won’t know how it feels to share your partner with others or how much you’ll want to hear about it.
The best thing you can do is set boundaries according to how you’re feeling now, and change them as needed. I started my poly journey not wanting to hear anything about my partner’s other sexual experiences and now I get really turned on by them! You never know how you might grow and change over time.
5 Levels of Poly Discretion to Consider
1. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
You and your partner agree that the doors are open to other relationships, but you don’t want to know a thing beyond that. Did you hookup with someone while your wife was away on business? Did she? Probably, but you’ll never talk about it and that’s the way you like it. You’re happy to have your freedom and even happier that you don’t have to discuss it over your morning coffee.
2. Scheduled Date Nights
You want to branch out and date other people. You want to share this experience with your partner, but you don’t want to share much more than that. Friday night is date night. You’ll both go out and probably hook up with other people, but you won’t share names or details. All you need to know is when you’re expected home and who’s getting up to make breakfast in the morning.
3. Kitchen Table Dynamic
You and your partner went online to help each other find dates, now you have monthly brunches with everyone. Sometimes you talk about your relationships, sometimes you just enjoy each other’s company. You have everyone’s contact info in case you need to be in touch, and next month you’re thinking of taking a group vacation. You know that sex is happening, but you don’t talk about it in great detail.
4. Complete Sexual Transparency
You and your partner(s) are open books. You might engage in kitchen table discussions or you might not, but either way you love to share every dirty detail about the sex you’re having with other people. You find it so hot when your wife tells you how she made her boyfriend cum buckets because now she’s going to try the same moves on you.
5. Group Sex
You’ve found yourselves a third partner, or an orgy to join. You go to the sex club together and you like to watch your partner get it on with other people. You’re totally transparent about your desires and free to fulfill them in whatever way you choose. You love it when your partner sees you getting turned on at the hands of another because you know it will only fuel your desire for one another.
So don’t be afraid to jump in and see where you land on the spectrum. You might just surprise yourself!