Falling for a Monogamous Lover

While there are many wonderful monogamous people, dating them is playing with fire because it is already established that we want very different things from dating. Conflicts and heartbreak are best avoided if possible.

How to Avoid Falling in Love with Monogamous People

Some polyamorous people and some monogamous people don’t mind dating when it comes to casual hookups, since neither is looking for a relationship from their date. Others say this is best avoided, because we never know when connecting physically may ignite something more emotional and intimate.

Read: Falling in Love Too Fast? How to Stop and Slow Down

To avoid falling in love with monogamous people, you want to use niche polyamory dating sites, state clearly on your dating profiles that you are polyamorous, and be open with people you date in person from the get go.

Don’t Tempt Fate

If you find yourself insanely attracted to a monogamous person, or find yourself developing deeper feelings, the best course of action is to cut things off. It will hurt less early on and wreak less havoc.

The pull and compulsion when we are falling for someone is very powerful and can be irrational, so you want to be ready for it and stop it in its tracks. Stop seeing the person right away. If you aren’t seeing them, but are tempted to start seeing them, change course immediately.

Don’t talk yourself into all the ways that falling in love with a monogamous person will be just fine.

Read: Why People Choose Monogamy

Respect and Protect the Monogamous Person You Love

By breaking things off in time or before they get started, you are doing an unselfish service to the monogamous person that you have feelings for. Since you know you cannot be monogamous, you simply aren’t what they need.

They may have deep feelings, too, and want to invest everything in trying to make it work. But of course they hope deep down that you will see them as your one and only.

If you are a poly switch, this may be fine. But for most of us, it will end in tears and disaster and the person most deeply wounded could be the monogamous person we claim to love and care about. Don’t go there!

Read: 7 Lessons to Learn from Polyamory Breakups

Steer Clear of Polyamory Cowboys

One risk to your lifestyle and relationships is the polyamory cowboy. Most monogamous people have similar reservations about dating polyamorous people as you do about avoiding falling in love with a monogamous person. They don’t want to put themselves at risk or to inadvertently harm poly people. It’s a matter of mutual respect for each other’s relationship choices.

However, the polyamory cowboy goes out of his way to “lasso” polyamorous people into falling in love. (There are polyamory cowgirls too!) Then they try to convert you into monogamy after deliberately ruining your relationships.

By creating instability and uncertainty, cowboys operate with a perverse form of monogamy evangelism. They pretend to be poly or curious but in fact they are monogamous and want to bring you back into the fold.

The weapon of choice is for you to fall hard for a monogamous person and then end up carrying out his will and desire, and screw your life and choices. Steer clear of these toxic people!

Read: Toxic Polyamory: 10 Toxic Behaviors in Poly Relationships

Can a Polyamorous Person Be Monogamous for the Right Person?

This is a deeply individual choice. The honest answer for most of us is “probably not.” Sacrificing our identity and desire for one monogamous lover usually feels like too much compromise. But many people are happy, or can be happy, in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships, depending on who they are dating.

Other people go back to monogamous relationship styles after exploring polyamory for many years, and don’t necessarily feel confined or limited if they are with the right person.

Read: Why Monogamy is Better than Polyamory (and Vice Versa)

Some relationships are between a polyamorous lover and a monogamous one, with each lover expressing their sexuality their way. Mixed relationships like this can be tricky, but not impossible. Some monogamous people don’t expect their partner to be monogamous but don’t want to be polyamorous themselves.

A relationship between a monogamous and polyamorous person may feel mismatched or impossible most of the time. But in certain circumstances, monogamous and polyamorous lovers in a relationship can thrive.

Rather than resentment and jealousy over limitations, the choice may feel like a place to explore a new way of relating and challenge both partners to prioritize each other and find ways to live with their differences.

Read: How to Make a Poly/Mono Relationship Work

What to Do if You Fall for a Monogamous Person

Cease and Desist, if it is One Sided

If your affections are not returned or the person you’ve fallen for doesn’t know you are alive, don’t try to change that. Bow out, and take the loss so that you don’t risk hurting the other person.

If You’re In It Together, Communicate Openly

If any relationship has a chance in hell, it has to be based on trust and open communication and honesty. Have a series of serious, honest, open-hearted discussions about needs, desires, fears, and what things might look like moving forward. Don’t hold back.

You both owe it to yourselves and to each other to weigh in truthfully on all the issues.

Read: Tips for Maintaining Communication in Poly Relationships

Decide Whether or Not Getting Together or Staying Together Could Work

It’s not all doom and gloom. Love is love is love is love. People have all kinds of obstacles in love—their wild pasts, their troubled children, inter-racial or inter-cultural divides, horrible in-laws, illness, and more.

If you love your monogamous lover and they love you, you have to take all that communication and honesty and see if you can make it work and how.

Who will compromise what and how much? How would both of your lifestyles change? What are the non-negotiables and boundaries? What can you live with, or what can’t you accept?

Read: 6 Alternatives to Monogamy that Don’t Involve Cheating 

Don’t Assume Polyamory Is Impossible for Your Monogamous Lover or that Monogamy Is Impossible for You

There are different ways that a mono-poly mixed couple can play out their relationship.

One way is for both of you to continue to be yourselves. This blend works really nicely—for you. After all, the monogamous person’s life choices usually assume their partner is also monogamous. In this case, they are the one compromising. Some are willing and happy with this arrangement, able to accept and understand.

Read: Struggling with Monogamy in a Poly Relationship

The other way is for the monogamous person to become polyamorous. Monogamous lovers have been initiated into polyamory and even into throuples with another couple or into a polycule. Some of them enjoy the adventure and want to make it work. Some become polyamorous.

This arrangement can work if the monogamous lover is adventurous or has been curious about exploring polyamory.

Read: 5 Reasons to Switch from Monogamy to Polyamory

A third arrangement is for you to become monogamous and give up the relationships you are in or may be in. This isn’t always a healthy or natural choice, but sometimes we can make it happily because our love for the monogamous person is something very important to us.

This arrangement works better for someone who has thought about reverting to monogamy, or who is genuinely happy both monogamous or polyamorous.

Read: 4 Questions to Ask Your Partner before Trying Polyamory

If You’re Going to Go For It, Be All In

Don’t doom your relationship with cold feet and a tepid, half-hearted effort. Don’t bring resentment into it. Own your decision and make the most of it. Invest what you need to in order to make it work. Don’t make your monogamous lover feel inferior or responsible for your choices.

Whatever arrangement you decide on, be all in. Support their compromise and sacrifice, and follow through on your own.

Have you fallen for a monogamous lover? Please share your story!

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