Tips & Advice

4 Questions to Ask Your Partner before Trying Polyamory

Couple Cuddling in Bed

Try polyamory, they said. It’s a fun and sexy way to better your life, they said.

I know I’ve totally ripped that joke from the annals of the internet, but it really does apply here.

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If you jump into the polysphere too quickly and without a proper conversation about it, you’re bound to have regrets. So what are some of the things you and your partner should be asking one another before you take the leap?

4 Questions about Polyamory to Ask Your Partner

1. Do You Feel Possessive of My Body? 

Don’t lie to one another about this, even if you want to be all cool and not ruin the poly experiment for your partner. If you feel you’d have a tough time sharing your lover with someone else, speak up! It doesn’t have to be a poly deal breaker as long as you keep talking and working through your feelings.

Maybe you won’t be able to jump right into things, but that’s okay. The decision to go poly shouldn’t be rushed, or viewed as an immediate fix for your relationship problems anyway.

2. Have You Ever Been Poly Curious?

Even just a little? Or had you never even heard of polyamory before Will and Jada made it cool. If it’s something you’ve been pondering for a while but your partner is totally new to the idea, you’ll definitely want to do a lot of research into what makes polyamory work. Don’t rush into anything!

The Ethical Slut and More Than Two are good places to start. Talk to some poly couples if you can, or attend a poly meetup with your partner. Learn all you can, and figure out where you might fall on the poly spectrum.

3. What’s Your Ideal Poly Future?

This is related to the poly spectrum I just referenced. Some couples enter into polyamory with dreams of having multiple NSA-sex partners. That’s the very liberal end of the spectrum. Couples on the more conservative end generally choose to engage in polyfidelity, or a more closed and fixed non-monogamy scenario.

Really talk about what you envision for your future. Are you more concerned about having more sex? Or do you want to develop fewer relationships but with more ties and greater emotional depth?

4. How Much Detail Do You Want to Share with Each Other?

Once those new relationships begin, how much do you really want to know about what goes on between your partners and their other love interests? How much are you willing to share, yourself?

I find in my own relationships that this subject needs to be discussed more than once over time, because sometimes the boundaries shift as your feelings develop. There’s nothing wrong with wanting fewer details over time, or more!

Some poly couples really find sharing to be a turn on, others don’t. There’s no wrong way to be poly, as long as everyone in your polycule is on the same page.

What other questions would you consider important to ask before going poly? Let us know in a comment.

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