Not everyone in a polyamorous relationship started out that way.
While many of us approach polyamory as our choice of lifestyle—as a kind of sexual orientation, by falling for someone who is polyamorous and agreeing to those terms, or by dating many people at the same time—there are many couples who started out monogamously, and chose to open the bedroom doors.
This option doesn’t work for everyone. But there are many reasons a monogamous couple should at least consider polyamory.
Reasons to Open Up Your Relationship
Polyamory is a different approach to dealing with affairs, sexual jealousy, or fidelity.
Falling for someone else, or being attracted to someone else, is one of the most common reasons for breaking up. Couples who love each other or get along great often call it quits after an episode of sexual jealousy or infidelity.
Polyamory is a different approach to this situation. Polyamory sees multiple attractions as a normal, natural, healthy part of human sexuality, and view it as a loving act to encourage their partners to explore their attraction rather than denying it.
Couples who are monogamous and encounter infidelity or sexual attraction outside their bond have the option of accepting that attraction instead of letting it end the relationship. By opening the relationship, a secure, intimate relationship can often be saved.
Mismatched libidos don’t need to get in the way of a great relationship.
It is very common in relationships for one partner to have a much higher sex drive than the other, and many lovers choose to fulfill that one partner’s needs by opening the door rather than forcing them to deny their libido.
In some cases one partner may be asexual, but there are many less extreme variations where one partner is fulfilled having sex once a month and the other needs it daily. This causes unhappiness or breakups much of the time.
In other mismatched love affairs, one partner may have a kink or fetish that is important to their fulfillment. The other partner may be turned off or unwilling to share the kink. Opening the door can make things work.
She’s bisexual and wants to explore.
When one partner is bisexual, many couples have a special arrangement to accommodate that partner’s needs outside of the relationship. I have a few friends who are married women and they don’t date other men, but their partners have accepted that they date women. One of those enjoys regular threesomes with her girlfriend and her husband.
The hotwifing or cuckolding kinks interest you and require new partners.
Some couples aren’t poly as a lifestyle or label, but have a kink that occasionally entails outside lovers. Couples who enjoy threesomes from time to time share the spoils and might not call themselves polyamorous. Other couples have a thing for sharing the hot wife or for cuckolding. So the bedroom door is open in this context, and it’s exciting for both of them.
Unusual or unexpected circumstances lead to unique arrangements.
Many traditional monogamous couples open the door to other lovers because of specific situations. One unusual example is a friend of mine who married a man thirty years older. He is the love of her life and wanted her to stay happy, so he has accepted that she seeks occasional sex with guys her own age. I got a letter once from a woman who had undergone treatment for cancer many times. Her illness severely impacted her libido, but she didn’t want him to sacrifice sex. She helped him find a sex worker for a few hookups on the side.
Lots of couples have some kind of poly connection that opens the door instead of closing the relationship or suffering in some way.
How did you come to polyamory? Please share your story in the comments!