Those of us who value and practice polyamory might be quite certain we understand monogamy and the reasons people choose it. After all, most of us were there once upon a time and the reasons we were monogamous are the same reasons why we left!
Social conditioning, control of women’s sexuality, religious oppression, possessiveness, heteronormativity, low sex drive, abusive relationships, being trapped, and the illusion of fidelity are just some of the reasons polyamorous people give for leaving monogamy behind.
From our vantage point, it can seem that monogamy is a delusion or a trap. It might be difficult to relate to friends who believe in monogamy or want it for themselves. And it can be frustrating to find out someone we want to date is seeking a monogamous relationship.
To understand monogamy it can be helpful to revisit it from the perspective of those who practice it or seek it, rather than imposing our own experiences and perceptions on their choices and values.
I can tell you straight up that I won’t ever cross back over and leave polyamory for monogamy. But just as we want “them” to understand our ways, it can make our lives easier to occasionally try to understand monogamy. Leaving out all the reasons people leave listed above, here are some of the positive reasons people give for choosing monogamy.
Why People Choose Monogamy
Better, more Frequent Sex
Say what??? It may seem odd to us, but many people relate best one on one and genuinely find that intimacy with one partner is sexier.
For some people, having a long-term partner means access to regular, loving sex.
While few would deny that first-time sex and novelty are exciting, it is also true that new sex can be awkward and superficial.
While most monogamous folks would agree that familiar sex can get a bit dull, many report the trade off to be worth it. They feel most comfortable and most satisfied putting all of their sexual energy into one relationship and sharing those experiences with one person.
Kinkier, more Creative Sex
Believe it or not, many who choose to be monogamous give “kink” as their reason for monogamy.
Routine sex, that can feel boring in time with the same partner, presents opportunities for creativity and imagination and experimentation.
Having a trusted partner is also important for many folks to feel comfortable exploring and sharing fetishes and kinks. Many kinks take time to build or explore, and some are too dangerous psychologically or physically to try out with a quick hookup.
Intimacy Is Best Shared with One
Many people don’t see choosing monogamy as limiting, but as liberating. Living in a closed commitment provides a kind of liberty in its structure. This is often reported in BDSM relationships, too, that giving up something is the way to gain something else.
For happy monogamous people, growing together and sharing pleasure and struggles only with each other is the best way to deepen love.
People who choose monogamy report that one of the highlights of their lifestyle choice is not needing to worry as much about safe sex. Many report that ditching condoms is actually a reason they settled down!
Family and Tradition
In trying to understand monogamy, consider that many folks feel that love and sex in a mono marriage is the best structure for them to create a home for children. Monogamy in pursuit of family is nothing new, and while it certainly has its problems, it is also a successful institution for many.
Not all folks influenced by family, cultural, or religious traditions see them as repressive or deny other people’s choices.
Is there anything you miss about being monogamous? Please share in the comments!