Poly Relationships

Are You Trans Attracted and Polyamorous?

Woman in Red Dress Unzipping Man's Pants

Rights and visibility for all kinds of people and identities become more central all the time, and for the first time in history transgender people are not at the back of the bus, so to speak.

And while transgender people express a range of sexual orientations and practices, queer, poly and kink communities are generally more open and welcoming and have sometimes provided a safe place for trans people to date.

Lots of guys are open to dating transgender women, and lots of men who love women understand that trans women are women, so they naturally will date a trans woman if they hit it off.

But some of you are trans-attracted, and have a strong, specific attraction to transgender women. This can exist alongside attraction to all women, but some men feel an intense preference for trans women.

This attraction can still be controversial or feel shameful today, because it can be politically insensitive—no one wants to be the object of a kink or fetish without being recognized as a whole human being. No one wants to exist just to turn on a guy who doesn’t want to spend time with her outside of sex. On the other hand, for the guy who feels this way, it can feel like women are rejecting the very people who love them completely.

If you are a trans attracted guy, you may be MORE likely to affirm the humanity of trans women, more likely to seek a relationship with her and not just explore transgender sex, and more likely to see her as equal or as a “real” woman.

I can see this from both sides. Transgender women don’t want to identify as a kink, after all, but to experience love, sex, and dating as a whole person. On the other hand, sex is elusive and mysterious and we all fetishize others to some extent—we feel attracted to specific kinds of bodies or aesthetics. That attraction in and of itself doesn’t make a person a creep and doesn’t mean we don’t affirm humanity or love the person who fits our description. Some guys prefer chubby girls, or have a strong attraction to redheads. Some of us love older women or men, and some love sexy French girls or beautiful African-American women.

It’s also normal to suddenly find ourselves attracted to someone who is not our type. Women who are crazy about smooth, clean shaven men may find the love of their life is super hairy and bearded, and suddenly their preference changes. A guy who has always found Black women the hottest might get smitten with a Scottish girl on a train and find himself dreaming of blondes.

Your chances of finding your next hookup or the love of your life increase exponentially when you’re open to every possibility. Have a type, most people do, but don’t let it constrict you so much that you wander aimlessly alone, waiting for that one type to appear.

It can be tough to navigate our desires when sex in and of itself is all about taboos. So many of our attractions are naturally politically incorrect. Some women have a very strong “thing” for bad boys—guys who are rockers or rappers, guys who treat us like crap, or actual bad guys who have hurt people. We might sublimate taboo sexual desire for a parent, à la Freud, and seek out lovers who punish us like Mommy did. Sex isn’t tidy and sweet all the time!

Poly people know this and affirm that sexual attraction outside one sanctioned spouse is normal.

If you are trans attracted, my advice is pretty simple: treat your pursuits and dates with the same respect you afford anyone else, and ask the same from anyone who judges you.

Do you have experience dating trans women? Please share in the comments!

Tell us what you think!

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