Enjoy better sex and better relationships by actively bonding
Want to deepen the bond with your partner(s) or repair a relationship that seems to be slipping? Get closer than ever by increasing your bond. It might be simpler than you think!
Bonding is about the energy between you and your partner. It’s that “spark” that some couples still have even after being together for years. It’s about consciously loving your partners and it’s also about the chemical reactions happening in your body. It’s a complicated business really, but the actual practice of bonding with your partner doesn’t have to be. I’m not just talking about sexual bonding but also nurturing bonding that leads to both better sex and better relationships. Who doesn’t want that?
The Best of Intentions
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. says that our our intention is either to learn more about loving our partners and ourselves, or it’s to get love and avoid pain. You can guess which of these is going to help you form a closer bond. Fear hurts a relationship because it causes one to be more closed and protect oneself beyond a point that allows a deeper connection. This intention to avoid pain creates jealousy which is a huge problem for polyamorous relationships in particular. So to create a true bond you need to commit to being open emotionally to your partner(s) at all costs.
That sounds hard, is there an easier way?
The truth is, you and your partner do have to focus on having the right intentions. But at the end of the day, I believe that bonding is more about biology than anything else and focusing on that aspect makes everything easier. While you still need to have that emotional connection, bonding also happens naturally when you spend time together and are close physically. What can you do solidify and increase that bond? There are many easy and pleasurable shortcuts to increasing you and your partners attachment to one another.
Here’s a great list of bonding techniques from Psychology Today.
- smiling with eye contact
- skin-to-skin contact
- providing a service or treat without being asked
- giving unsolicited approval, via smiles or compliments
- gazing into each other’s eyes
- listening intently, and restating what you hear
- forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, past or present
- preparing your partner something to eat
- synchronized breathing
- kissing with lips and tongues
- cradling, or gently rocking, your partner’s head and torso (works well on a couch, or with lots of pillows)
- holding, or spooning, each other in stillness
- wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure
- stroking with intent to comfort
- massaging with intent to comfort, especially feet, shoulders, and head
- hugging with intent to comfort
- lying with your ear over your partner’s heart and listening to the heart beat
- touching and sucking of nipples and breasts
- gently placing your palm over your lover’s genitals with intent to comfort rather than arouse
- making time together at bedtime a priority
- gentle intercourse
It’s what you do when you’re NOT having sex
As you can see, bonding isn’t all about sex or even touching in many cases. Many people erroneously believe that sex is the ultimate bonding activity but I can’t agree – sex alone does not a deep bond make. Temporarily it may seem otherwise, but if that’s the only way that you’re bonding with your partner then you may be left out in the cold when the NRE (new relationship energy) withers away. If you also focus on all the non-sexual activities that promote closeness, you’ll find that it leads to better sex and a deeper sexual bonding.
Think you’ve lost your sexual chemistry? Hold up!
In cases where you and a partner seem to have lost your physical mojo, don’t be too quick to think the chemistry’s gone or that you’re just not into each other anymore. Without bonding behaviors you can lose that connection quicker than you think. And that’s why it’s important in polyamorous relationships to spend equal time with your partners and not leave too much time between cuddle sessions and heart-to-heart talks with any of your lovers.
Remember… as with most things in life, what you get out of your relationship is dependent on what you put in. Put a little more consciousness into bonding with your partners, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.
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