How to Meet People Into BDSM

Dear Jamie,

I’m a kinky guy looking for BDSM partners. Any kinky lovers out there? I understand that many people are kinky as fuck, but I’ve been in a long-term relationship for years with partners who were not particularly interested in exploring BDSM. Since things have shifted and we have gone our separate ways, I started dating again.

No complaints, but I want to rekindle my kinky side and experiment with BDSM lovers. Since I’m not all that experienced with kink or BDSM, I’m not really sure how to meet a BDSM partner!

I’m just kind of hoping the people I meet will be kinky, but so far that hasn’t happened. I’m interested in exploring classic BDSM stuff—different kinds of power exchange, bondage and discipline, restraint, leather—and also new kink play I find online that is really exciting like orgasm edging and forced orgasms. I’m open to all genders, all ages, all shapes and sizes.

How can I meet people into BDSM? – Derek, 34

Derek, thanks for writing!

Once you get out there, you’ll discover that you can find lots of BDSM lovers.

How to Meet BDSM Partners

Let your friends know about your kinky side.

You’ll meet kinky partners and people into BDSM more easily if people know you’re in their club. Since you were out of the market for while, the wider community may not know you want to explore their fetishes!

You don’t have to make any big announcements, but being open about your curiosity around BDSM will open doors to conversation and dating.

Read: How to Introduce Your Fetish to a New Lover

Attend BDSM events and other kinky meetups.

You can meet BDSM lovers by meeting more kinky people in general. Most communities have a kink community within them, no matter how small. Nightclubs or sex clubs are a good place to watch for fetish nights, but check at the sex toy store for possible workshops on kink play. Ask kinky contacts to keep you clued in to future meetups.

Be creative and keep your eyes open—I heard about a safe sex BDSM workshop from my doctor! Even your bookstore may have occasional book signings on relevant themes. These are not hook-up events, but anywhere you meet people, you open the potential of dating like-minded partners.

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Seek out dates who are open to or involved in BDSM.

It seems obvious—if you want to meet a BDSM lover, seek out dates with like-minded people. But if you’re new to kink play, it’s natural to shy away for a number of reasons. If you’re naturally on the submissive side, being direct about your tastes and desires might take some practice. If you’re inexperienced, you might be shy about how to proceed if your dreams come true.

But the best way to grow your kinky side is by meeting kinky lovers in the first place and learning the ropes that way! It is perfectly okay to mention in your profiles and in conversation that you are kink curious and want a BDSM lover, but don’t have a lot of experience yet.

Read: Where to Meet Kinky Women

Be candid in your online profile.

Kinky lovers can’t find you if you haven’t expressed your kinky interests or if you are “passing” as vanilla. If you’re looking for people into BDSM and also open to vanilla relationships, say so. If you are hoping for something more intense with one or a few BDSM partners for now, say so. Be direct. Be honest about your desires. Be candid about where you are at.

Use BDSM dating sites to meet a partner.

Use kink specific dating sites to meet BDSM lovers and hookups. You’ll meet people who are looking for exactly what you are. You can search for particular kinks, like the ones you mentioned, including BDSM and orgasm edging, and you’ll meet lots of poly kinky people who are open to experimentation.

It’s a good idea to put your kink needs right in your profile bio, so that you attract exactly the kind of kinky lover you’re looking for.

Read: How to Write a BDSM Dating Profile

Since you are open to so many kinds of kinky partners, why don’t you do the reaching out? Send messages to anyone who shares your desires or similar kinks that you find interesting. Making the first move can feel intimidating, but being proactive gets more results than just floating behind your profile hoping the right message comes in.

Use all the features of online BDSM sites.

Don’t just set up a profile and then turn off your computer! Read blogs to learn more about your fantasies and desires, chat with others on sites that have chat rooms, and join in conversations about BDSM themes.

Open up to dates or relationships you have ongoing, about your kinky desires.

So none of our dates so far share your kinky desires. Are you sure? Like you, they may have fantasies they haven’t explored yet. Maybe they’re not driven by the same kinky fantasy, but are curious and adventurous. Sometimes the best place to find a willing partner is with the willing partners we already have!

Read: Can BDSM Save Your Relationship?

Fair enough that not everyone is into BDSM or fetishes. But many people are playful and creative, and with a strong connection they may be curious about experimenting. If you are dating someone and you really enjoy each other, bring up the possibility of getting a little kinky and trying things out together.

Read: 10 Ideas for Kinky Quickies

Do you have kinky desires or BDSM interests? Where do YOU meet people into BDSM?