Finding Equality in Your Primary Partnership

By definition a primary partner is the one who comes first. A primary partner takes precedent over your secondary partners, and primary partnerships often include special agreements about outside relationships. Many primaries also do not use sexual barriers with each other such as condoms, but will do so with others.

In a relationship such as this, it can be difficult if one partner is dating a lot of people, or has many secondary partners, and the other one doesn’t. Alana, a community liaison at and an experienced poly-dater herself says, “The one who isn’t dating as much is likely to feel a bit jealous, or that their partner doesn’t have enough time for them. We suggest joining a dating site like ours so that you can have some extracurricular fun too, or maybe find a person to date together. Who doesn’t love a threesome? That way, you can spend time together but also get your poly needs met.”

If you feel there is an imbalance, talk to your partner. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, especially a polyamorous one. Talking it out may be difficult, but it will be worth it once you find a solution that works for both you and your partner.

You may want to have specified “date nights” when you know you will be spending special alone time with your primary partner. Make the most of these dates by planning ahead. Another idea is to make a list of things your partner could do either for you or with you that will make you feel appreciated and loved. These might be anything from picking up your dry cleaning to a special sex act to a weekend getaway. Or make a list of things you would like to do for your partner to show how much you care. These mutual acts will help you both express your commitment and bring equality to the relationship.

Polyamory Relationship Tip: Don’t Keep Score

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