Poly Relationships

Feeling Secure in Polyamory Relationships

Couple Cuddling in Bed

Do You Feel Safe: Out of Sanity or In Security?

One thing a polyamorous person needs to get through an emotional threesome, if not a literal one, is: SECURITY.

I came up with 9 questions to ask yourself to feel out the strength and durability of your internal fortitude for absorbing more pulchritude!

In my experience, there can never be too much inner stability when it comes to love and lovers. The chemistry is too overwhelmingly magical.

I’ve spent a good decade of my life not being jealous about ANY of my polyamorous lovers and sharing experiences like few people are comfortable with. But then I met someone recently who just blows. my. mind. and. soul. to pieces, and I’ve had to look at myself and STOP my mind from having possessive thoughts towards her! I’ve done well and usually these thoughts evaporate within the span of a few seconds, not days or weeks thankfully… but they have reared their ugly head, and I recognize the reality of that revelation. One is never really done perfecting themselves. One will never be too secure. There is always a way to get in somewhere, and there is always a way to get out!

But, we still have to do security checks, as often as possible, to make it as safe as our maximum capacity for inner protection can create.

So, let’s dive inside your ribcage, and see how safe your heart is!

Ready? It doesn’t matter! Interrogation begins now 🙂

-Are you happy with knowing your partners are with others, sexually? Do you feel compersion for your partner’s sexual fulfillment?

-Do you feel progress in the containment of your jealousy and your envy of other people’s sexual situations, partners, and body types?

-Are you able to spend time away from your partners for as long as they ask for, if necessary?

-Have you ever been told “you are taking too much time/energy” from a partner?

Do you trust your partners to go out of town and keep their word to what they say can be done and/or not done with others they may meet?

-How do you feel about your partner’s exes? Could you be friends with them? Or could you at least have a civil dinner with them for a night?

-Are you comfortable with your close friends hanging around your partner(s)?

-Do you feel like your relationships are situations that have to be controlled, or do you responsibly trust your instinct with the direction of developments?

-Have you ever read your partner’s email without their knowledge? Have you ever read your partner’s text messages without their permission?

This isn’t a definitive list, and I don’t know if there could be one, as each relationship has its own strands of DNA that bond and bind to fuze the foundation of trust, faith, solidarity and unconditionally loving security, and you may have a few questions that I can never know. But broadly speaking, these inquiries should hopefully shed light on the reality of your comfort zone with your partners in polyamory.

Trust is in some ways even MORE important than Love, I’ve come to shockingly realize.

Love is the shipment of priceless gold. Trust is the Brinks Security truck driving it to its destination: your heart. If you don’t trust the person driving the truck, you might not sign for it when it drives up to your emotion bank’s door.

And there goes your golden love! All because of insecurity.

Be secure in the fact that polyamory CAN work, and DOES work, and WILL work for you again, if something didn’t work out last time.

There are NO two people alike. So if you are suffering the same pain from a previous polyamorous relationship, it might be a decision you are repeating that is causing your pain, not meeting another person who is exactly the same as your previous partner. (Unless you actively seek out some characteristic that is similar, which I can take no responsibility for, my good friend.) Please know that it applies to psychology as much as it applies to intimacy: “Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein.

Be secure in yourself and your lovers. And you never have to look back in fear that the pain from the past will undermine the pleasure of the present and the fun in the future!

With trust,
Addi Stewart

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