Building Trust and Honesty in Poly Relationships

Let’s Agree To Agree:  Arguments Aren’t Inevitable

Let me cut to the chase: there is this insidious idea silently permeating our society that “relationships HAVE to have arguments in them” for there to be genuine fire and romance, if and when things become routine, once people have passed the beginning stages of a relationship. Pessimists spew these corrosive notions like “Arguing is healthy! Jealousy is good! Conflict keeps the passion going! Fighting fair is fine for lovers! Break-up to make-up sex is some of the best sex there is!!” and questionably healthy notions like that.

For the romantic record, once and for all-time: I would now like to swoop in from the heavens of paradise and drop pterodactyl logs of shit all over the broken logic and tainted wisdom that is contained in those twisted ideas of romantic action. Now, yes, I do admit: relationships MUST pass the honeymoon phase to give people the possibility of tasting the greatness of walking a long journey in life with someone, intimately/emotionally and beyond. Some people feel that the NRE (new relationship energy) is the killer of most old relationships that are in comfortable, patterned, familial stages of connection. There may be some truth to this, but it all depends on the couple(s).

What I think really destroys the peace in relationships is simply a lack of crystal clear communication. When people feel new feelings, they often don’t share these with a lover, and then feel the dissonance from the discrepancy between their feelings and the words they told their partner about how they are feeling… and thus, when they feel enough of a void between how they REALLY feel and what they THINK they have to pretend they maintain feeling to their partner… AN EXPLOSION HAPPENS.

The breakdown of ‘who the person is’ vs. ‘who they are becoming’ becomes apparent. When a guy, say hypothetically, has a crush on a sexy new co-worker at his job, and it gets increasingly impossible to resist feeling attracted to her voluptuous body, or thinking about how badly he wants to see her again after he leaves work… but he can’t, because he’s going home to his girlfriend! And although she’s totally sexy and cool and smart and holds down her responsibilities and pays her rent early and even massages his shoulders when he gets home from work sometimes… she still doesn’t know that he’s frustrated about these new feelings he’s developed for some mystery woman! And if he’s not in a space where he can be honest with his lover about it… then here comes the frustration train, fuelled by disappointment and discrepancy, dangerously gaining momentum down the tracks, coming to smash the peaceful little tranquil picture of life and love that the domestic situation seems cradled comfortably inside.

It doesn’t matter how great everything looks on the outside, how much money people have, how much sex they are getting, how many places and parties and events they attend, how many people think they are the perfect couple, or how much they can convince others that they are happy. If people are not parallel to other people who can provide the emotional/sexual/intellectual/physical necessities that the person requires… there will be anger! But it doesn’t have to happen!! IF YOU COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS!!!

That’s the thing most people do not find the courage to do until they are forced to do it by anger’s impetus, which usually adds a whole other level of miscommunication that can sometimes be felt as hatred, which isn’t a part of the primary problem. Yet, it instantly becomes another layer on the separation cake when it becomes a reality…

Think of the people you NEVER argue with. Why is that? Because you express EVERYTHING you feel in the moment, immediately. Any problems you have, you tell them. Any observations you have, you tell them. Any silence you want to share together, you… don’t tell them. Any stress you are suffering from other people, you talk to them about it. And you enjoy days upon days upon days of good connection, good friendship and good relations. Do you feel any ~need~ to argue with your best friends? So then why would you feel any need to argue with your lovers? Especially if you were in a polyamorous situation where your lovers WERE your best friends?

If you express your truth and communicate your emotions clearly and consistently enough, you have an excellent chance of NOT arguing with your lovers. And even when you feel like the relationship may have to end, you have such a beautiful connection and foundation of trust and honesty with them, that you could just tell your truth simply and they would understand, because understanding is something you have practiced with them since the first moment you came together. So no matter what, you two are just connected by love and truth… and never have to argue about either your love or your truth!

Et voila.

Always in Love,
Addi Stewart

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