The threesome is notorious for a few reasons. It’s an extremely popular fantasy—across genders, across orientations, across the spectrum of kinky to vanilla—for polyamorous and monogamous lovers.
Everyone wants a threesome, at least in their imagination.
On the other hand, threesome regret is also extremely common, because threesomes don’t always play out in real time the way they play out in our internal porn flicks!
Threesomes can be awkward. They can stir up emotional baggage. They can ignite unexpected affections—or obsessions. Maybe worst of all, threesomes can be surprisingly mundane or banal, contrary to the sizzling excitement they stir up in our fantasies.
Read: True Group Sex Stories from Our Readers
There are many reasons for regretting a threesome. Just as we sometimes regret a hookup, a relationship, or other sexual experiments that fall flat, we can regret a threesome.
13 Reasons People Regret a Threesome
1. You or others were drunk or intoxicated.
Just as often as alcohol-fueled hookups turn into regret when it comes to one-on-one encounters, threesomes can turn sour when you or your lovers are too loaded to choose wisely or be fully present.
2. You rushed into the threesome.
Spontaneity can make sex thrilling. But acting on impulse means we follow our emotions or lust without thinking things through. Like any other major event, threesomes benefit from careful planning and thoughtful consideration of the nitty gritty.
Read: How to Find a Third for Your Threesome
3. You felt pressured.
Sometimes our horny partner or date whines, begs, and pleads, and we don’t push back or express our resistance.
4. You didn’t like the sex.
It happens often enough, with one-on-one hookups as well as in threesomes. You just don’t like someone’s sexual style or feel the chemistry.
Maybe the sex is too vanilla, or too kinky. Maybe you tried. but just weren’t attracted man to man or girl on girl. Maybe someone’s body was a turn off.
Read: Throuple Dating and Relationship Tips
5. You weren’t attracted to everyone.
It can be tricky to have three people equally attracted to each other.
6. You joined to please your partner.
There’s nothing wrong with indulging your lover’s desires. But that may not be enough on its own.
Read: She Wants an MMF Threesome, But You Don’t
7. The threesome was awkward.
Threesomes can be tricky at the practical level. There can be too much going on, making it hard to focus. Where do all those legs and arms go?
8. The threesome drove a wedge between you and your partner.
Often, we regret a threesome because it harmed our relationship instead of the hoped-for effect of bringing us closer together into a deeper intimacy.
Shared sexual adventures can bring lovers closer together. But often, a threesome has the opposite effect.
9. One of you developed a crush or fell in love.
Getting up close and personal with someone runs the risk of messy or unexpected feelings and emotions.
Even if you’re in a poly relationship that is open to more lovers and more love, this can feel wrong if your partner is right there watching it ignite.
10. You felt left out or neglected.
Someone in a threesome sometimes ends up feeling like the third wheel on the wagon.
Read: Tips for the Unicorn in a Threesome
11. You felt inadequate or developed body insecurities.
In your mind it can be hot to imagine someone with a King Kong cock fucking your wife. In real time, that can make you uncertain about how you measure up! Or maybe the new girl is super slim with flawless breasts, and you suddenly feel flabby and pendulous.
Getting naked is intimate business.
12. One of you experienced extreme jealousy.
Even if you have dozens of metamours, participating in the action can bring up unexpected jealousy.
Read: How to Deal with Jealousy in a Threesome
13. One of the three was toxic.
Sometimes one of our partners is manipulative, obsessive, callous, or insensitive.
How to Handle Your Threesome Regret
Be Honest with Yourself and Others
The best way to tackle regretting a threesome is to be as honest as possible, with your lover, lovers, and with yourself. Zero in on the truth of what is causing your threesome regret.
It might be hard to say that you’re upset because your wife’s metamour knew his way around her body in ways you don’t, or admit you didn’t want to be there in the first place but didn’t speak up. But you can’t work things out if you aren’t facing what they really are.
Read: Honesty Is the Best Poly: Stories from Women Who Practice Polyamory
Communicate Difficult Truths
Just as tough as getting naked with the truth is telling it. We don’t want to criticize our partners or embarrass ourselves—before a threesome, before we regret a threesome. After a threesome we regret, expressing our emotions and needs is tricky.
Ultimately it can bring us closer to our partner if we communicate from the heart.
Read: Tips for Maintaining Communication in Poly Relationships
Stop Throwing Blame
Take ownership of your actions, desires, choices, and their consequences. Threesome regret fizzles fast when you stop blaming someone else, if you are the one to blame.
Find Your Sense of Humor
See everything in context, and find its funny side. Taking things too seriously leads to unnecessary anxiety.
Apologize
At least some of regretting a threesome is easily alleviated by making things right. If you made your new lover feel small, or acted like a dog to your primary partner, own up to it.
Move On
Decide to let things go and get on with it. In the scheme of things, how important is it to hold on to a forgettable evening?
Do It Again
First threesomes can be just as awkward and unsatisfying as first time one-on-one sex. It takes a few tries to find the groove.
Read: Threesome Ideas: 26 Threesome Activities to Try
How to Avoid Threesome Regret in the First Place
Take Your Time
Avoid threesome regret by taking your time. Communicate with your partner and find the right third. Be sure it’s what everyone really wants. Plan and strategize. Allow lots of time for anticipation, flirtation, and fun.
Read: How to Ask for a Threesome the Right Way
Discuss Boundaries in Advance
Make sure you navigate your threesome boundaries together. Don’t feel that “everything” has to take place in every threesome. Set boundaries for the kind of partner you are looking for. Express your expectations, desires, and needs, and listen to your partner’s and your new partner’s with equal attention as yours.
Read: Threesome Rules for Couples
Don’t Go in Drunk
A little wine goes a long way. Drinks can help people relax and mingle, but moderation makes for memorable nights rather than threesome regrets.
Respect and Prioritize Lovers
If you honestly prioritize your partner’s needs and feelings—both of them—and they do the same, what can go wrong? By tuning in to your lovers emotions and comfort, and prioritizing their needs, the potential for threesome regrets will be greatly minimized.
Read: How to Have a Successful Threesome
Have you experienced threesome regret? Please share!
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