Tips & Advice

Adding a New Partner: 4 Things to Consider

Romantic Conversation

Have you been thinking of expanding your poly circle by adding a new partner?

Is there someone you can’t stop fantasizing about? Maybe that friend of a friend who you know is in an open relationship because you flirted one time at a party?

I will agree that one of the most exciting things about being polyamorous is the option to have more than one partner, but adding a new partner is more complicated than pop culture would have us believe.

4 Questions to Ask Yourself before Adding a New Partner

Before you jump on a new opportunity and bring a new partner into the mix, consider the following.

1. How much time do I really have?

Are you scheduled to the max, praying that the time gods will bestow upon you the gift of a 25-hour day, just so you can add a new lover to the list? I hate to tell you this, but time gods don’t care about your dick.

Think about what it takes to build a new relationship, both in terms of physical and emotional availability, then double it. Don’t assume you can squeak in a whole new connection during the two-hours of down time you have a month.

Read: Signs It’s Time for an Additional Poly Partner

2. What kind of relationship do I want?

Are you looking for a casual fling, or a full-fledged loving bond? Figure this out before you start your search. Having a strong idea of what you want will help you to craft a focused polyamory dating profile, which will bring more of the right people your way.

Even if you’re going the old-school route and meeting your dates at the club, it’s best to arrive there with clear intentions. Knowing what you want creates an air of confidence and everyone knows how sexy that is.

Read: 4 Boundaries to Discuss with a New Poly Partner

3. Are my other relationships solid enough to weather the change?

Being poly, you know how important it is to check in with your existing partners before bringing in someone new. Depending on where your group falls on the polyfidelity/polyanarchy spectrum, your discussion will be long and drawn out, quick and cursory, or anything in between. What matters is that your connections are strong enough to withstand a shift in your attention, and that everyone’s comfortable with it.

Don’t sacrifice your existing relationships for the allure of something fresh and new.

Read: Dos and Don’ts of Coping with New Relationship Energy

4. What are my motivations?

Why do you want to add a new partner to your life? Do you have lots of love to give? Or are you searching from a place of desperation, hoping to fill a hole that none of your other partners can? Maybe you’re bored with the options you have and feel an urge to branch out.

No matter your reason for shaking things up, think about what your heart demands and if you really need a new partner to make it happen. Maybe you do, and that’s great! Or maybe you just want to distract yourself from some uncomfortable things for a while at the expense of someone else’s feelings.

Ready to proceed? Read 21 Questions to Ask a New Polyamory Partner

What do you think? What questions should someone ask themselves before seeking out new poly connections?

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