What to Do When You’re Bored of Sex

Do You Think Sex is Boring?

Is it healthy to feel you are tired of sex and bored with it?

Sex is an important part of life, essential, for most of us, to our physical and emotional wellbeing. Pleasure and connection are vital parts of our lives, and something going wrong, including going without sex, tends to bring us down.

There are many reasons you might feel sex is boring. Most people experience times of low libido. Disinterest in sex can feel especially shocking to those of us used to high libido. If things start to tone down with aging or cyclical peaks and valleys, we might really notice and feel something is wrong. But a variation downward in desire can be distressing for anyone, regardless of whether your libido is usually in “overdrive” or medium or low as compared to your peers.

Read: How to Cope with a Lagging Libido

There have been all kinds of aphrodisiacs and concoctions and devices marketed to perk up your lagging libido. Some work better than others—diet and exercise, for example, generally contribute to an improved libido whereas magical spells or penis enlarging potions don’t.

But none of them will do much if you are disinterested. When you feel that sex is getting stale, you don’t necessarily want more of what ails you!

Folks in polyamory communities or kink and fetish communities may not feel comfortable talking about low sexual desire or sexual boredom. We may feel that we should always be super interested in sex and sexuality.

We might interpret disinterest in sex and boredom with sex as a failure of creativity and imagination or a personal flaw. After all, with an unlimited world of kink at our fingertips and few if any limits in novelty and new partners, we can’t blame our sexual boredom on things being boring.

What to Do When You’re Bored of Sex

1. Assess Your Physical and Mental Health

I don’t like to pathologize every kink and desire, and I don’t like to pathologize less frequent sex or interest either. But dramatic changes can signal health issues, so it’s a good idea to rule that out. Loss of interest or finding sex boring can be a symptom of everything from cancer to depression, so check with your doctor that you’re in top form if you are worried your boredom might stem from a health concern.

2. Relax and Enjoy the Lull

We are programmed with intense sex drives to make sure the human race doesn’t go extinct. That survival is the same reason we seek out food and water with relish. But few of us live in dangerous desert terrain these days, with scarcity all around.

Think about this—after you have an all-you-can-eat breakfast or Chinese food buffet, piling every pudding and sausage link and waffle and crispy ginger chicken high, do you feel like ice cream? Steak? Probably not. You need some time to work up an appetite before food is going to interest you.

Being bored with sex may simply be good news- you have enough. You have more than enough. Give yourself a little time to experience longing and to bask in having had it! You may simply be full.

Read: Bring Your Sex Life Back to the Beginning

Stop Overdosing on Porn and Sex

If you’re watching porn all day and juggling five kinks and six lovers, it might be tough to thrill you.

Dial it back. Think of that buffet—sounds amazing when you’re hungry, but right after you won’t feel much excitement at the idea of another helping of sweet and sour chicken balls.

Remember that Hormones Ebb and Flow

It is totally normal to be bored of sex when your hormones are at their lowest ebb. During times of stress, times of enough or plenty, during menopause for women, you will not be as interested in sex as you are at other times.

Slow Your Roll

If you’re burning the candle at both ends, you will not have energy reserves for sex and fantasy. Get some sleep!

Assess Your Relationship

Being bored with sex isn’t your partner’s fault and blaming them is not cool. However, a lack of desire can signify trouble in paradise.

Is your relationship draining you? Do you feel jealous and disconnected? Worth taking a look at the glue between you and your lovers to see if there is a psychological reason for your reticence.

Read: What to Do When the Thrill Is Gone

Focus Your Attention Elsewhere

I’m a firm believer that sometimes losing interest in sex is simply a signal to pay more attention to other aspects of our lives that require our focus. Sex can be all-consuming, and you might forget there are other parts of your life that need attention, parts that add value and meaning.

Are you neglecting your friends? Should you spend more time with your children? Do you have an important work project that requires attention? Do you need a vacation? Did you forget to call your mother again?

Sometimes people need to be alone.

I also that all of us need time alone—introverts and extroverts. We need to decompress, step back from social connection and crowds, and take time in our own headspace. This is hard to do when we’re making love to someone else—at least, it should be! So if I’m feeling uncharacteristically disinterested in sex, it usually means I need space and need to take some long walks solo, catch up on hobbies, or spend time with my dog. We are social animals but life can get hectic.

Read: 4 Tips for Carving Our “Me Time” in Your Poly Life

Solitude and time to reflect are essential. Even if you’re an extrovert, you still need small doses of alone time. Introverts may need a lot more than they get in a busy, social world. Take what you need, but don’t neglect that need for solitude—your partners will suffer if you do.

Are you bored with sex, or have you been in the past? Please share your experience.

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