What to Do when the Thrill Is Gone

Is your attraction to a partner waning? Not feeling it? Have you lost the excitement that used to fuel your relationship? Has the sex gotten boring? Are you more attracted to your newest partner and don’t feel the same way about the others?

You’re not alone. It’s very common to lose sexual desire for a partner or for it to diminish at various times.

Polyamorous folks understand that humans are attracted to different partners, not just one, and sometimes mistakenly think an open door or multiple lovers will ward against fading attractions. But we can still experience a limited libido towards a partner. Here’s how to deal.

Take the Focus Off of Sex

Romantic relationships are about a lot more than sex. Even though sex is important, it changes over time. You can’t get the same kind of kick you get from novelty sex or the hot rush of a new crush from the woman who has been with you for two decades, given birth to four of your kids, and survived cancer.

Assuming you want to honor the relationship for the long haul from here, give up the expectation that our bodies are machines, and relish the familiarity and comfort and intimacy of someone knowing you inside out and still loving you.

Look at Yourself in the Mirror

One of my girlfriends has a thyroid disorder, among other illnesses, and she is a lot heavier than she wants to be. I was surprised when one of our mutual lovers bailed on her because of her weight gain, even though it’s something she literally can’t help.

Another woman’s husband left her for the proverbial younger woman. I find older women smoking hot, personally, and a few wrinkles or age spots can’t mar that beauty, which is earned by experience. But to each their own. The funny thing, though, is that in both cases the man is what I will politely call average.

I get that we can’t help our attractions—to a point. But it’s always worth considering the possibility that a problem being attracted to a partner is actually a problem accepting the reality of being human. Sex is fantasy, but it’s also intimacy with the raw biological reality. You might find desire stir again once you have come to terms with your own aging or weight or other perceived inadequacy.

Is Your Body Trying to Tell You Something?

On the other hand, waning attraction might be your body’s way of telling you what you already know inside.

A good friend was involved with a “perfect ten”—a smoking hot Anna Nicole Smith look-alike. But after a few short weeks of insane sex sessions, he could barely look at her and found her gorgeous body a turn off.

He had rushed headlong into things, driven by his erection, but now his dick was gun shy. Turns out, she was well known in other poly communities for her backstabbing, manipulative ways. He got out before she got her hooks in too deep. She may have been good looking, but it turned out she was an ugly person.

Is It Her, or Is It You?

Is your loss of attraction specific to a particular person, or is sex in general ho-hum? We do go through various ups and downs in libido. Sometimes we just need a rest.

Instead of acting rashly or quickly, allow the waning libido its place and await its return.

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