Talking Polyamory on a First Date

How Much Polyamory Do You Reveal to a Stranger?

So, you met someone on Friday night, and you like them. You got their number, and you two have set up a rendezvous time for later on next week. Then next week comes, and there you are: in the beginning of the honeymoon moment, a brand new person to adore and enjoy, and learn about… as well as share with.

So… you’re polyamorous, and you only knew your lovely friend’s name and phone number.

You have no idea if they are interested in polyamory, open relationships or things of that nature, and you are definitely still interested in them, even though you are polyamorous and have a few other lovers in your life.

So what do you do?

What I have always done is: TELL THE TRUTH. ON THE FIRST DATE!

Spill the beans. Set the table. Clear the air. Put your heart on your sleeve. TAKE THE LEAP OF FAITH!

You may be worried that your revelation of having other lovers or your desire to will make her think she’s not the ONLY beautiful woman in the world and cause you to lose the possibility of getting closer and closer to her naked body. And you may be right. But also, you may be wrong! And there’s only one way to discover if she’s the kind of open-minded dreamer and lover that you are looking for.


You can’t beat around the bush or be a waffler or a mealy-mouthed mumbler if you want to enjoy pure polyamory plentiful connections! You have to just express what you want and need, and see if the person you are seeking to connect with feels the same way and wants the same things. If not, then bid them “namaste” and “have a nice day”, and gracefully bow out.

What happens if you don’t tell them you are polyamorous? It’s going to be something like going out with someone for a few weeks or months, and then out of nowhere, hear them say something like “hey, did you know I had a child?” or “hey, I have to leave for six months because I’m actually a spy for the CIA” or something shocking of the sort. Except saying something like “hey, did you know I have six other lovers that I’ve been having sex with” might be the MOST shitty news for someone to discover a few months into the relationship, even less acceptable than “I have secret offspring” or “I’m a government agent”.

There are some people who distastefully blur the lines between dating and polyamory, and hide under the umbrella of “hey, if it’s not 100% confirmed and locked down, then I’m not required to disclose all of my other lovers. Game on!” And this may be ~technically~ possible as a practical relationship truth, but it’s nothing more than a grey-area loophole for lies to enter through. No relationship should suffer from escape clauses where the partner is looking for reasons and ways to justify their extracurricular erotic activities without fully expressing and revealing all of their sexual/emotional/intellectual intimacies with others to you so you can decide if you want to be a part of the connection.

The second or third date isn’t quite the best time to reveal you are polyamorous (unless you really didn’t have time to mention it on the first two because so many other things were discussed so passionately). Considering you two are probably dating to find out if you are compatible as partners, there shouldn’t be a long lag time between asking them out on a rendezvous, and asking them out to be lovers, post-rendezvous. And when you ask them to be lovers, shouldn’t you let them know what kind of a lover you are? Yes, you should.

So let it be known, immediately.

If they say “oh, you’re one of THOSE types of people? Well, I can’t share my lovers with anyone, I’m the jealous possessive type. I would NEVER think of having two partners!!” then say something to the effect of: “Well, it was nice to meet you. Unfortunately, I’m polyamorous, and I’m very happy sharing myself with all of my lovers. It’s unfortunate you don’t share the same philosophy, but I totally understand. Maybe we can be friends, though!”

You will waste nobody’s time.

You will deceive nobody’s heart.

You will locate everybody who is ready.

You will sleep wonderfully at night.

And you two will trust each other, whether you get together or not.

If you DO discover that you are both polyamorous… then YAY!

Enjoyez-vous les amour!

Read: 21 Questions to Ask a New Polyamory Partner

In love,
Addi Stewart

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