Reconnecting With Your Ex: The Grand Gesture

We all have watched the Hollywood movies and laughed and cried and hoped and dreamed for some big reunion between star-crossed lovers or Montague vs. Capulet-like family feuds. And we all want the best thing for everyone to work out in the end, which is hopefully the most loving and happy relationship everyone could imagine.

The “end,” which is usually just the end of the biggest obstacles trying to separate them, is what I’m hoping to see for others and myself. But sometimes there are external and unfortunately internal obstacles that keep some people apart. And with polyamory, there isn’t the same binary on-off courting procedure that exists in traditional monogamy.

What would you do to reconnect with an ex?

Of course there’s no one way that fits all, but many monogamists put most or all their eggs in one basket—if their partner doesn’t want to carry that basket with them anymore, they might have a John-Cusack-Say-Anything moment, holding a boombox outside their window, hoping they’ll come back into their life.

Insert your favorite sacrifice-your-pride-and-take-a-leap-of-faith-for-love grand gesture in a movie, and imagine yourself in that position. Then, picture what would happen in the real world if you did the same thing. I hope it wouldn’t lead to any police intervention or restraining orders! But the intention I speak of here is honest and pure, even in the face of disagreement and emotional struggle.

Is there some grand gesture you have done, and/or would do, to gain the favor and attention of someone you’ve had a heartbreaking separation with? Something in a non-monogamous situation, where the lines of beginnings and endings aren’t often as clear-cut as in a monogamous situation, when people are focusing every intimate expressive act on one person.

My Polyamorous Ex-Girlfriend

I’m in this peculiar and precarious position wherein I’ve become friends with the male lover of an ex-partner of mine who separated from me in an unusual and unexplained way. I still think about this person fondly enough to send the occasional greeting every few months—nothing grandiose or invasive, but I still don’t know if I’m crossing a line. I may be, but I also might be in a relatively safe zone.

The relationship ended quickly for reasons that I still don’t know, but for the few months we were together, A LOT was shared and felt, and some of the absolute best sex of my life was experienced. I am not only thinking about her because of that, but because of spiritual parallels we shared together, that were extremely rare.

So I DO want to do and say something special to reconnect and get this person back in my life sometimes.

Can a grand gesture get her back in my life?

What would it be? I don’t know. Is it safe? I don’t know. Is it right? I don’t know, and maybe not. But will I be safe and respectful? Yes I will. But I have no idea where and when my actions may lead to something and if I’ll reconnect with my ex… or if I’m just wasting my time.

Read: Dos and Don’ts for Surviving a Poly Breakup

Will I show up on her front doorstep with my iPhone, playing some dance tune I know she likes? No, I don’t think I will. But I do think I will keep sending messages occasionally and keep my hope alive that I will either get some closure that consists of a real conversation and a respectful reason why all our dinners, family discussions, sex, fun, dancing, drugs, drinks, and emotions had to be forgotten so instantly.

I have an inner romantic in me and I want to either heal my heart or heal her hopes in what we had! So I am willing to risk something like pride, and then take a chance with a grand gesture if I ever see the opportunity! I won’t show up at her doorstep like Tom Cruise and say, “You complete me,” but I’m willing to dream big for BIG love.

Cross your fingers for me, and I’ll do the same for you!

Addi Stewart

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