Stories

My Experiment in Polyamory Dating

Romantic Date

I am in a monogamous relationship, but I (or I should say we) decided to explore polyamory as an experiment. We respect the polyamorous community fully and are sincerely curious about the practice.

My Poly Experiment

Background

I have been with the same man for five years. We have a strong foundation of love, communication, and trust. We have a playful sex life that can be adventurous at times—we share fantasies and occasionally dip our toe in BDSM practices and kink fantasies.

Questions

Can we go from mono to poly, and back again? Are outside partners something that would enhance our relationship or cause it harm? Could we actually decide that polyamory is right for us after all these years? What would poly look like for us? Would we want to hear about each other’s lovers? Meet them? Are we going to share this experiment with others?

Read: 4 Truths for Those Considering Polyamory

Research

I know more about the lifestyle than my boyfriend does because one of my best friends is in a polycule. She has been with a man for five years who is married, but she is not considered a secondary. In fact my boyfriend and I attended her commitment ceremony a few years ago, with friends and families from all three in the relationship! I asked my friend to be our advisor in this exploration.

Read: 4 Expressions of Commitment in Poly Relationships

Hypothesis

While many possibilities exist of what could happen with one of us acquiring an outside lover,  we both decided that our hope was that it would bring us even closer, and reaffirm our commitment to one another. We agreed that whatever happened, good or bad, that we would be able to handle it.

Experiment

I used to get poly men sending me messages on mainstream dating sites, asking for dates and saying they were in a relationship but that it was open. It always smelled a bit fishy, so I never responded. For this endeavor, my boyfriend and I decided to join a niche site, CouplesDating.com, to create a profile together and to be as transparent as we could (something my friend encouraged). This part of the experiment was fun!

We had to decide what this poly adventure looked like. Up until now we hadn’t given it that much thought? Did we want a threesome? With a another woman? A man? Maybe it was just one of us going out to date? Was sex appropriate on the first date? Was it to be just a one-night stand? Would we all go for coffee first. I decided to take the plunge and look for a date, sharing with the poly universe that I was mono but open to experiment with my partner’s okay.

Read: Best Threesome Dating Sites for Couples

We wrote our profile, closed the app before bed… and said a prayer! I wasn’t ready to start messaging, and we thought it best to give it a few days to see what lands on our doorstep.

The next morning I had ten messages, and then another five as the day went on. Half the messages were tossed in the trash. Why? They were rude or linked to a profile that had no picture or very little information. It’s important to always fill out a profile fully with as much detail and honesty about who you are and what you are looking for to attract the most attention.

After a few days and carefully reading through profiles, I settled on David. He worked in film, was married in an open relationship, and traveled a lot for his work. He didn’t live in our city, so something about that felt safer. But he was going to be here for a few days and wanted to take me out. I actually began to feel butterflies. My boyfriend wasn’t sure what to make of that, but I chalked it up to more anxiety than lusty fantasies.

Read: 4 Ways to Practice Compersion

I went on a date with David. He was straightforward, and he answered more questions I had about poly. His poly life looked very different from my girlfriend’s. It wasn’t a triad polycule but more of an open relationships where he and his wife had free rein to explore sex outside the marriage, with a kiss-don’t-tell policy. His honesty provoked my own in telling him that my night out with him was an experiment.

We went back to his hotel, listened to some music, and made out on the sofa. It was weird… and nice, at the same time. When he made a move to go further, I just couldn’t do it, even though I was aroused. It just felt wrong, and he didn’t push. I ended up getting a cab home, which David paid for. He also left the door open if I wanted to see him before he left town.

Observations

Some poly people say they were born that way, that monogamy never fit, no matter how many times they tried or how many monogamous women they fell for. Although I am in love at this moment, I’m not sure if humans are meant to be with the same person throughout their entire lives. And I secretly think that polyamory is a more evolved lifestyle than monogamy. I guess I’m just not that evolved!

Read: 5 Signs that Polyamory May Not Be Right for You

Results

I didn’t meet up again with David, and I have no desire to meet more poly men… at least for now. My boyfriend wanted to hear all about my date when I got home, but he was happy nothing went further than making out. After I gave him the details, we got down for a super sexy session, so in that way it was worth it!

What was your first experiment with polyamory like? Please share in the comments!

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