Tips for Introducing Secondary Partners to Primary Partners

When I talk to poly friends, there’s one thing that all of them do a little differently: introducing their primary to a new secondary partner. Some primaries share secondaries, but many have their own. I even know one couple who doesn’t introduce their partners outside the primary relationship, preferring to allow a “complete trust” to evolve through outside partners.

I find polyamory fascinating… no two relationship are the same but all operate on a strong foundation of trust and honesty.

Here are some tips that poly partners offer when introducing new partners:

Include your partner when choosing a secondary. Many poly couples share a dating profile in order to look for thirds or separate secondaries. “It saves possible problems down the road, if your primary doesn’t like someone you’ve already developed feelings for,” says my friend Arlene about her poly veto rules. “If I like a profile and my husband doesn’t, he has the right to veto me from contacting him. And it works the other way too.”

Meet potential partners together. If it’s a third or the elusive poly unicorn you are looking for, it only makes sense to meet all together before anything emotional or physical starts.

Introduce your secondary only if it’s serious. A lot of primaries let their partner go out and have lovers, but only want to meet them if it becomes a regular relationship. When this happens, you can meet at a neutral location where everyone will feel comfortable getting to know each other.

Discuss how this new person will fit into your current relationship. Polyamory is all about honesty and being able to communicate your needs and wants from partners. NRE is real and can rock even the most solid relationships, if you aren’t open and honest about a new relationship with your primary. Lay it on the line, and if you’re not sure where it’s going, that’s okay to express as well.

How and when do you introduce a new partner to your primary?

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