Tips & Advice

Asking for What You Want and Need in a Relationship

Man Undressing Woman

THE LOST ART OF ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT

What do you want to do with them?

Why haven’t you just asked them to do it?

There are only a few reasons. They are ENORMOUSLY POWERFUL yet WEAK reasons. And they are usually no more complicated or deep than PLAIN OLD FEAR.

You’re afraid of being rejected. You’re afraid of being called creepy. You’re afraid of being embarrassed in public. You’re afraid of your dream girl shutting you down.

Well… I bet you’re ALSO afraid of having your dreams and fantasies come true!!! Because there is NO way in the world for you to get to hug, kiss or make love to your dream woman without you taking some responsibility for the possibility of a connection… and thus: opening your mouth and SAYING SOMETHING TO THEM!

You’re not that rich. You’re not that famous. You’re not that powerful.

You’re not Beyonce or Brad Pitt. And even if you WERE one of them, you’d STILL have to do at least one thing to get what you want from your sexual prospects: ASK FOR SOME ACTION!

Why is it so hard to simply ask for what we want? Because of many complicated factors, but they can be somewhat distilled down into a few thoughts:

  • Ego
  • Fear
  • Ignoranc
  • Socialization
  • Racism/Sexism/Ageism/Classism/other ism
  • Some other stupid secret reason you’re not telling me

… and this hornet’s nest of cesspool thoughts is the glue, brick, mortar and sloppy-ass, muddy foundation to all the walls and barriers that exist in front of your heart’s fantasies and your mind’s desires! Your ego is a tyrant, a terrorist, and a teacher that has no fucking compassion for your heart’s desires to come to life. Your ego wants to control things all the time, and not negotiate with them. Your ego WANTS to be with the person/people it wants to be with, and that’s that. Your ego does NOT want to have to “ask politely” for any action. It just wants to be satisfied immediately, and completely. Your ego does NOT want to humble itself and speak with care and concern after checking-in to your partner’s needs. Your ego just wants to ejaculate, lubricate, fornicate, celebrate and procreate!

And there is nothing wrong with any of that, there really isn’t. This is not the place where we acknowledge Christian shame or Muslim blame to any sexuality. They’re ALL good around here and they’re all coolio fantastic voyages to join in.

But: just like when you were a teenager, and you got your license, and you were super cool and had tons of places to go every Friday and Saturday night…

YOU STILL HAD TO ASK YOUR PARENTS TO BORROW THE CAR EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU WANTED TO TAKE IT OUT FOR A DRIVE ON THE TOWN!

Asking is the essence of understanding others compassionately.

If more men simply ASKED A WOMAN WHAT SHE WANTS IN THE BEDROOM, then sooo many more men would be getting amazing sex and giving greater sex!

If more people ASKED instead of just ASSUMED and advanced their way towards sexual congress conquest, then more people would be HAPPY TOGETHER.11

11 possible starter questions to ask, just to break the ice of achieving higher and closer intimacy:

1. “What turns you on more than anything else you can imagine?”

2. “Can I do anything better to please you?”

3. “Where haven’t we done something exciting that you still want to explore?”

4. “What famous person insatiably turns you on, and can we possibly do some role-playing involving the thought of them?”

5. “Why haven’t we opened this relationship up to explore the feelings of new partners? I am asking to see if you are happy with everything as is or not…”

6. “Do you have any new fetishes that have developed that you haven’t told me about?”

7. “Who is someone you are still attracted to in the real world? And do you have issues controlling your emotions regarding yours and their boundaries?”

8. “What is a hard limit you have never crossed sexually, and why is that your limit? I don’t want to cross it with you, I just want to understand you on a deeper level.”

9. “Can I bring a friend in to watch our playtime together?”

10. “Can you bring a friend in to play with while I watch you two together?”

11. “What do you think of pornography, and would you want to watch porn together, or possibly make some together?”

You get the idea.

ASK FOR WHATEVER YOU WANT. FIND THE FUCKING COURAGE!

Oh yeah, AND MAKE SURE YOU LEARN HOW TO GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT THE WORD “NO” IF SOMEONE DOESN’T WANT TO PLAY AROUND WITH YOU!

At least you asked like a mature, grown, respectful human being. And if you conduct your behaviour like one of those folks: you win at the game of life. No risk, no reward. No gamble, no future!

You know the old saying: Ask, and ye shall receive.

You better believe it is true in the realm of love and sexuality. Better ask somebody!

In love,
Addi Stewart

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