What Hotwifing Taught Me about Polyamory

Hotwifing doesn’t usually comes to mind when we think of polyamory. But poly relationships come in many different varieties.

We sometimes talk about the unusual relationship style in polyamory wherein one partner is involved with other lovers, and the other is not. Such mixed relationships don’t work for many. It seems fitting that either both partners commit to each other, or both partners are free under certain terms.

Poly and Mono Mashups

On occasion there are relationships with one poly partner and one monogamous partner. Such a relationship might evolve naturally—perhaps both lovers are “allowed” to see others, but one doesn’t and decides they are happy.

Perhaps one lover has a lower libido than the other, or an arrangement is made because one partner is ill. Maybe someone really feels most comfortable expressing their love monogamously, but wants their partner to be sexual in the way that he or she sees fit.

Read: Can One-Sided Open Relationships Work?

Cuckolding and Hotwifing Arrangements

Another poly arrangement might be a kinky one—cuckolding and hotwifing, related but different kinks, are very hot right now!

Cuckolding is where the man gets a big sexual thrill from the humiliation of being cheated on. His wife runs around because he is not able to satisfy her sexually.

Although cuckolding is about submission and humiliation of the male, it is still consensual. However, because the concept is that she is “not faithful,” this isn’t really polyamory. Poly people may enjoy cuckold play but, in and of itself, this is not technically polyamorous.

Hotwifing, on the other hand, is when a man has such a hot and insatiable wife that she needs a stable of men to satisfy her needs while he gets off on the idea and reality of this.

In this arrangement, it isn’t a humiliation thing but more about status—she is SO hot and SO horny, and he is SO secure and so thrilled at her hotness that he can’t help but share her with other men. He finds this very arousing. Part of the thrill here is that the man is so secure in his virility that he can share her, knowing that she will always return. For him, part of the fulfillment is knowing that his wife is so hot that other men can’t get enough of her.

Read: How to Meet Cuckold Couples

Most hotwifing arrangements are open only on her side. He is satisfied by his very hot wife and by her sordid stories (or he even watches) of wild lovemaking.

My ex-lover Nathaniel is in such an arrangement. We are friends now but used to occasionally hook up. He’s a great guy who really wanted to find lasting connection with a primary partner. When a woman he was dating revealed that she loved the idea of being serviced by bulls for pure sex, but still wanted to build a deep relationship with him, he went all in.

We chatted recently over martinis, and he told me some of the things he has learned through hotwifing.

Hotwifing: 4 Reality Checks

1. Sexual equality plays itself out in different ways.

While lots of dudes enjoy sexual humiliation, hotwifing and cuckold kinks are not the same thing. Nathaniel actually wasn’t used to setting the rules and being “head of the household” because he didn’t go in for old fashioned gender rules. But Sonya expects him to, and she wants a male-directed relationship. What she wants in exchange is simple sexual freedom, AND his fidelity.

“This arrangement isn’t for everyone,” Nate admits. “But it’s not about humiliating the male. Sonya serves me hand and foot, in some ways, and she shares her every sexual exploit with me. What’s most important here is that I be secure enough to take it, and as long as that holds up, I’ll get everything I can dream of.”

Read: Commitment vs Containment in Poly Relationships

2. Women want to be noticed.

Nate says the biggest lesson he has learned is that it really isn’t hard to make a woman happy, whether you are dating one or many. “I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way, because it has sometimes been used to put women down. But it’s important to women to feel noticed, to have the attention they need, and to feel beautiful. That is very meaningful.”

Nate says focusing on one woman while she seeks sexual attention from others is just as fulfilling for him. He really tries to pay attention. Because his instincts are always on high alert, with other men sniffing around, he notices small changes in her appearance that may have passed him by before. He says his efforts to pay attention have been rewarded in spades.

3. Variety is the spice of life.

Sexual variety was always important to Nathaniel, but he was starting to feel empty because he also wanted to build a relationship. He felt ready to focus on a primary partner but hadn’t planned to give up multiple relationships or turn from polyamory in any way. When the option presented itself, he decided to try it because it was something different.

He says the idea of his partner taking it from other guys always aroused him, but wasn’t the focus of his polyamory. Now it is, and he couldn’t be more thrilled.

Read: 5 Tips for Sex with Another Man’s Wife

4. It’s not just about the “hot.”

When I asked what will happen when Sonya gets a few wrinkles or her massive breasts start to lose their firmness, Nate was surprised at me for being superficial. He knows I date men and women of all ages, shapes and sizes, and enjoy them for their personality as much as dick size, boob shape, or anything else.

But I was curious, since there is so much emphasis on the “hot” in “hotwife.”

Nate said he views all women as goddesses, and though he is thrilled to be going out with Miss Universe, such beauty is just a reflection on what women really are, symbolically. The whole point is to build trust and intimacy with her in mind-bending ways, ways he didn’t think were possible before.

Read: How to Find an Open Relationship

Does the hotwifing lifestyle appeal to you? Are you in a similar relationship now? Please share!

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