Give and Take in Polyamory

How Many Reciprocal Relationships Do You Have?

I don’t know if a true 50-50 relationship actually exists. I secretly think that in every coupling, there is someone who gives more, cares more, tries more, and there is someone who gives less, cares less, and tries less; and the entire relationship is based on both of these parties being presently comfortable with the imbalance that exists. And when one person does one thing that pushes the entire imbalance too far, that’s when it essentially ends for the other person. Then the camel-back straw-placer spends all their energy trying to convince the person they want back that they will change and not do that one thing anymore, promising to build a better balance in the relationship. Does it happen? Depends.

Which brings me to my query: how many polyamorous partners are doing their best to bring an equal-ish amount of energy and effort to the table you are all eating your pleasure from? There are definitely people who can easily be broken down into “givers” and “takers,” and when these behavioural patterns replicate themselves over time and space, the necessity for boundaries becomes clear. I’ll never forget the saying:

“Givers have to know when to stop giving, because takers never know when to stop taking.”

As a giver with a supreme heart, I learned the eternal truth of this statement the hard way. That sentence so perfectly summarized my suffering, what it was like to be a generous lover in a world where greed, jealousy, transgression, purloinment and misappropriation run rampant.

I do not believe anyone owns anyone, so we can’t take anyone from anyone essentially. What CAN happen, and often does happen, is people do not keep their word with their partners about what they will do. And that’s when more energy imbalance occurs. Even when the necessary maximum sacrifice and/or the requisite minimal contributions are not being met, resentment can begin to grow. It can manifest as that, or can be a gradual residue of resistance to someone who isn’t giving and reciprocating… the reasons why we are together in the first place. Some partners have specific ground rules and deal breakers and restrictions, which are perfectly proper to communicate and articulate. But these negotiables should not necessarily intersect with the foundation of the relationship where energy interacts and intimately engages. If someone is not into oral sex and has emphatically declared they do not perform such a sacred gift, then for someone who sees sharing oral sex as a joyful act, it is not practical or logical to expect a reciprocal relationship in that area, thus… the moment of truth is upon thine genitalia, friendo!

Do you find people who reciprocate your respect and love? Or are you subconsciously or consciously choosing to be with people who take more from you than they give? The choice is yours, but I do believe the world is energetically and emotionally resourceful enough for each and every one of us to have a healthy amount of our sexual, intellectual and emotional needs met somewhat equally. It DOES demand the courage to communcate one’s desires though. And meeting someone who honors their word to reciprocate bliss with you is pretty much the best thing that can happen in intimate relationships. The addition of polyamory simply enhances the potential pleasure exponentially!

May all the partners who are not giving as much to their significant others stop being selfish one day soon. The infinity symbol is not only the convergence of two hearts, but it’s like a heart symbol split in half. Probably because infinity lasts half as long as True Love.

With heart-filled reciprocity,
Addi Stewart

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