Tips & Advice

Tips for Getting to Know a New Poly Partner

Couple Kissing in Bed

If you’re new to polyamory, you might wonder how your new relationship will develop and if it will be given the chance to grow in ways that your past monogamous relationships have.

While I don’t have a crystal ball and can’t predict how close you and your new love will become, I can offer some tips for how to get the intimacy ball rolling.

4 Tips for Getting to Know a New Poly Partner

1. Take It Slow

Spend time getting to know each other outside the bedroom. Think of your poly relationships as you would any other—unique and worthy of natural growth. Resist the urge to define things right away. Thoughts like I only want this to be about sex can really limit your potential. Maybe you’re meant to be something different to one another, like life-long friends, or romantic soulmates?

Some poly people enter into their relationships with specific expectations, but it’s okay to be surprised as long as everyone is comfortable with that.

2. Open Up about Your Fantasies

If things do become sexual, don’t hold back. Show that you’re willing to be vulnerable by revealing your deepest desires. Create an open and accepting space where you and your partner can share freely, and—when the time is right—make your sexy dreams a reality.

You can learn a lot about someone just from talking about what you both want between the sheets. If you’re new to polyamory and have grown accustomed to the needs of your primary partner, it’s even more important to talk about this. Open your mind to new avenues of sexual expression.

3. Spend Extended Time Together

Take a trip together, or plan to spend an uninterrupted weekend doing something you both enjoy. Because of the scheduling and time restrictions placed on them, new poly relationships can take longer to develop. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The slow burn can lead to a deeper, more lasting connection, especially when you make a point of enjoying quality time together and creating a history of shared experiences.

Plan beyond weekly date nights, and ask your other partners to respect your dedicated time together. Having pre-determined communication plans can help with this.

4. Play Sharing Games

Try playing Two Truths and a Lie by sharing three interesting facts about yourself, one of which is false. Make it sexy by offering either a reward or punishment for answers given. Never Have I Ever is another fun game to play with a new partner. All you have to do is make two signs each—“Never” and “I have”—and take turns tossing forth experiences like “sex in a public place” or “spanking,” show the appropriate sign, compare answers and have a good laugh.

For those of you who aren’t into party games, just ask questions. The article “36 Questions that Lead to Love” can really help you get closer.

What tips can you share for getting to know a new partner better? 

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