Thinking of rekindling the fire by hooking up with an old flame? Should you have sex with your ex?
Hooking up with an ex can be dangerous territory. It can mean going backwards, falling into old patterns, opening old wounds, or getting tangled up in drama and emotion that is better left in the dust.
For these reasons, for some poly lovers, the ex is a no-fly zone. Boundaries for polyamorous partners are meant to protect the primary relationship from old emotions and unwanted threats.
For other poly people, there is no such thing as an ex! Every lover and relationship is still a possibility in the cards.
There are lots of reasons why some of us avoid sex with ex lovers. Less often mentioned are the many potential benefits, or the joy of ex sex.
5 Reasons to Have Sex with and Ex
1. There are still positive feelings or love between you.
“They’re your ex for a reason” is a popular notion, but I think this comes from monogamous patterns where we have to choose one person over all others. I don’t view past lovers in a negative light unless they were toxic partners. I’ve had lots of great lovers who I’ve parted with for healthy, positive reasons, or circumstantial ones, and sex with an old lover is often wonderful.
2. It’s a way of gaining closure.
Sometimes there were loose ends and things left unsaid. Sex with an ex can give a healthy, necessary expression to those feelings. Maybe things were volatile when you parted, or maybe you didn’t do everything you could have done to let her down easy, or maybe you’ve forgiven something because time takes away the cut. There are occasions when sex can provide closure or mean leaving an old relationship on a positive, healing note.
3. It can keep the relationship alive.
Just because a love relationship is in the past doesn’t necessarily mean it was poisonous or dysfunctional. There are so many reasons why we move on and many of them are healthy, happy, and mutually supportive.
Occasionally meeting an ex for sex, or revisiting that possibility for old time’s sake can be a great way to stay in touch, catch up on each other’s lives, and keep love alive. Polyamory means “love of many” and most of us feel “love” is the best vibe between all partners, past and present. If nothing was broken, sex won’t break it now.
4. You can share an important part of yourself with your current partners.
Past relationships often cause tension or uncertainty with current lovers, but many polyamorous people are committed to resolving those feelings of ownership or competition. There are occasions when introducing an ex into a current or primary relationship is an act of love and inclusivity rather than a contest or a step backwards.
Lovers who enjoy threesomes or group scenes can benefit from ex sex together. You are changing the terms when your partner gets to know your former lover this intimately. Sharing what was once yours can be a profoundly intimate act with a current bond. It can mean you have nothing to hide and that “what’s mine is yours,” and it can also generally bend and blur traditional conventions in an empowering way for all consenting parties.
5. Because of the sex, of course.
We love sex, and sex with an ex often means sex with someone you had and can have great sex with again. Rekindling the chemistry with someone you haven’t been with for a while can be incredible. It can be safe, consensual, and reliable when you need connection or release. Pleasure is healthy and necessary, and sometimes ex sex can provide what you both need.
Do you ever have sex with an ex? Please share in the comments!