Tips & Advice

Relationships Between Polyamorists and Monogamists

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If you’re a long-time poly you may think the idea of being in a relationship with a monogamous person is impossible. But it does happen, more often than you think, especially with new polys or monos who are poly curious but not sure if they can be poly because of having a mono background and experience. We don’t always choose the people we fall in love with, so it’s quite possible a monogamous person will be attracted to a poly person before he/she knows their lifestyle. Let’s take a look from both sides to see what each person would need for this relationship to succeed.

The Monogamist Needs…

…a lot of reassurance that the poly mono relationship is real and as important as any others in the mix.

…his/her insecurities (over possible other relationships the poly has) respected, validated, and understood.

…patience in understanding their hurt and/or jealousy of the poly’s other partner’s.

…honesty about the poly’s outside relationships, not matter the feelings it will bring up.

…introductions to other poly partners.

information and resources about polyamory to promote understanding and inclusion.

…continual reminders about the poly’s beliefs, especially if the poly is not with someone else because the mono may believe his/her partner will be in a monogamous relationship from now on.

And on the flip-side:

The Polyamorist Needs…

…their mono to understand that they can’t and won’t change their lifestyle preference even if they are in love with you.

…acceptance of their other partners.

…an understanding that their choice to be with others has nothing to do with their mono not fulfilling them enough or a desire to make you feel jealous.

…their partner to expresses all their feelings when they arise, no matter how painful.

…to know what activities their mono doesn’t want to share with other partners, that they are willing to keep some things unique to that relationship.

…their partner to feel comfortable asking questions about their other relationships instead of letting their imagination run wild.

…respect between their partners, not for everyone to be best buddies but not to view each other as the enemy either.

I can only stress that if you are attracted to your “relationship opposite” that you engage in much discussion about your lifestyle beliefs and desires before you become too entrenched. It will never be easy to forge this kind of relationship, but love is always worth the effort.

Do you have any first hand poly- mono relationship experience you can share? Tips?

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