Is it possible to introduce polyamory into a marriage? I keep hearing about this issue in the poly community. Polys get their backs up because many people, asking this question, have been caught cheating or are already having an affair.
Many times, a third you have found either wants nothing to do with poly or wants you for herself – you want what they both don’t. The person you married doesn’t want to share, that’s why she married you. If you are willing to risk losing her there will be no easy way of breaking your new found poly pursuit to her. Bottom line: is this something you want or need?
Most of these situations end in the surprised partner wanting out (especially if there’s a third involved), or they may think they can handle the switch in lifestyle but find out they can’t. This person doesn’t often understand what polyamory is, so you’d better be able to explain it.
Now maybe, just maybe, your wife is into this change, and you haven’t been cheating but really think this would be the best lifestyle for you hopefully her. There are steps that you will need to take.
Complete honesty is essential as you both proceed. Talk about what you would like and not like to happen. Many things about relationships will need to be redefined. There isn’t just one way to be polyamorous other than being honest and loving to all those you are involved with.
Investigate how poly people live and meet them in person. Learn how they cope with issues such as jealousy, support, childcare, etc. Were they always living this way and if not, what were their biggest challenges in the transition?
Don’t give up too soon. You probably have no experience with this brand new relationship paradigm and have had no role models for examples of how beautiful and functioning it can be. Taking your time will be worth the investment in the long run.
Have patience for yourself and your partner. One of you may be more conservative and want to move at a slower pace.
It isn’t easy introducing a poly lifestyle to someone you have made a commitment to, where there is an expectation of monogamy. Realizing you truly are polyamorous and still love and want to be with your spouse – yet also love others – will take another commitment from you both.
I would love to hear comments from those that have attempted this transition. What made it possible or impossible?