As a monogamous woman who has many poly friends, I’ve seriously considered whether polyamory might be right for me. And I have been on dates with polyamorous men who I met online as part of my decision-making process.
I am monogamous, for better or worse. Although some aspects of polyamory are appealing, it just doesn’t work for me. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with monogamous and polyamorous people dating one another, and god knows, many monogamous women want casual sex at different times in their lives.
For polyamorous men enjoying hookups, here are my tips for when you find yourself with a monogamous woman.
Polyamorous Hookup Tips
When you’re poly, but she isnt..
1. Be Honest about Your Lifestyle and Relationship Status
Not everyone shares everything in their online dating profiles, but the more you do, the more responses you will get. Lots of men are happy to hook up, with only a sexy pic to go off, but most women want details, lots of details, and it’s not just a matter of safety. We like to know what we’re getting, even if it’s just a casual hoookup.
Share that you are polyamorous if you are using a mainstream site, either in your profile or first message, and what you’re relationship status is (e.g., “married and looking for a unicorn” “primary partner in parallel poly relationship seeking casual encounters”).
2. Explain Polyamory
Not that I’m a poly expert, but it astounds me that so many people don’t understand polyamory or get it mixed up with other lifestyles like polygamy. You don’t have to link to Wiki or assume she doesn’t know or understand, but just be ready and willing to answer any questions she may have regarding your poly lifestyle, perspective, and current relationship dynamics.
3. Tell Her What You Want
Be straight up with potential lovers not only about your current relationship, but also your desires.
It doesn’t have to include the sexual nitty gritty of what you’d like to do or have done to you, but merely whether you’re looking for a one and done or some kind of regular arrangement. Monogamous women may be more interested in a one night stand, than playing second fiddle to a primary or being one of many lovers you may have.
If she thinks she can handle things, she’ll at least have the information beforehand, so it won’t be as though you’ve led her on. And who knows, she may be poly-curious and interested in exploring the lifestyle with someone already in it.
4. Don’t Try to Convert Her
If you meet up with a monogamous woman for a hookup and that’s clearly all she wants, you should be able to avoid any messy nonsense from misunderstandings.
But maybe you meet up more than once, and feelings get stirred or build. If you already have one or more partners, remind her of your situation and limitations. She may want you to give that all up, or think that you will given enough time, or she may say she’s okay with it and is willing to explore polyamory.
Follow her lead without leading her on, but don’t try to push her into anything for your own selfish reasons.
5. Accept Rejection Gracefully
It’s fine to reach out to monogamous beauties for your polyamorous hookups online or maybe the possibility of more, but you will find that there will be many who say no, as soon as they see the word “polyamory” or “secondary” or “threesome,” and that is what it is. Like the rules for all online dating, be gracious in how you handle rejection, whether it’s a written response or none at all. If she hasn’t written back, that’s a pass.
If you’re finding zero luck on mainstream dating sites, it’s in part because the majority of members are mono by nature. Check out poly dating sites that cater to the poly women and men, living it up in the lifestyle you love.
Do you have polyamorous hookups with monogamous women?