Tips & Advice

How to Tell a New Partner You’re Poly

Romantic Date at Bar

In general, dating like minded people is the best way to play the polyamory love game, because that way all the parties involved already understand that polyamory is best for them.

But it happens to all of us, at some point or another. We meet someone special who catches our eye and fires up our engine. How can one painlessly go about full disclosure?

Well, it might not be painless, but use these handy guidelines to minimize the complications of the big reveal.

Everyone who is poly had to start somewhere, and lots of us started on our true path when someone we enjoyed dating spoke candidly about the benefits of the lifestyle.

So take a deep breath, and spill it.

Don’t wait too long. Waiting for the “right moment” or a conversational segue isn’t wise. Say something about being poly at the first sign of interest or on the first date.

It can be hard to find the right words, but be direct if possible. “I’m so glad you accepted my invitation to drinks since I could feel we had chemistry working together on the fundraiser. It’s important to me to be honest—I’m polyamorous. I wanted you to know right away so that you wouldn’t hear it from someone else.”

Don’t apologize, and void saying things like, “I’m really sorry to tell you that I’m married because that’s probably a deal breaker for you.”

You aren’t doing anything wrong. If your date is not polyamorous or not yet poly, she isn’t wrong either. You’ve simply made different choices that have worked for you this far.

Leave “sorry” words out of your talks. You want to share the benefits of polyamory with your new interest, not apologize for who you are.

Don’t assume she’ll respond negatively. Many women are curious about polyamory, as you already know because you usually date them. Don’t leap to any conclusions about what she’ll think and how she will respond to you.

Some women are relieved to hear you tell them the truth. They may have suspected or heard rumors about it but want to hear it from you. They might be uncertain about settling down and you being poly can take the pressure off to allow lighthearted sex and companionship while she’s getting to know you. She may be super intrigued about polyamory but never met the right man to try it out with.

Respect her reactions and needs.

It goes without saying that her word is the final word. Don’t wheedle, whine, push, or prod if she opts out of future dates because of your poly status.

Do let her know that you understand, but if she changes her mind after reflecting on what you’ve said, you’d love another date. Then leave it in her hands and graciously take your leave.

Tell us what you think!

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Polyamory Today logo
Polyamory Today is your source for everything related to polyamory dating and poly relationships. We post tips and advice for polyamorous lovers, open relationships, and those seeking threesomes and group adventures. Enter the world of polyamory with exclusive articles, polls, site reviews, reader stories and more.

Polyamory Magazine
Join over 4,600 polyamorous people who receive Polyamory Today updates every two weeks.

Let's connect.

We share all of our polyamory advice, ideas, and articles on Facebook and Twitter. Follow along on your favorite network to get latest from Polyamory Today Magazine.

Polyamory Today on Facebook Polyamory Today on Twitter