It can be hard for anyone to stay in the moment during sex, what with all of life’s stresses, but being poly can make it even harder. Simply put, the more relationships you have, the more demands there are on your time and attention.
Have you ever been out with one partner when you receive a text like this from another? “I had an awful day. I know you’re out, just call me when you can.” How can one stay focused and in the moment after that?
Learn how to get in touch with your body. One particular exercise that I find helpful is to breath in through my nose for four seconds, hold for four seconds, then exhale as slowly and quietly as I can through my mouth. This helps the anxiety melt away. It also makes me slow down and pay attention to the physical sensation of air filling my lungs, then being released in a careful and deliberate way.
The more you practice being mindful of your body, the more you’ll be able to stay with it during sex.
Put a Cap on Date-Night Phone Usage
Make an agreement with your polycule that except in cases of emergency, devices are off limits on date night. Smart phones are probably the biggest obstacle we face when it comes to staying in the moment. I once saw my partner check his phone during sex! He was subtle about it, but I noticed.
Even looking at your phone throughout the evening can affect the mood leading up to sex. No one wants to feel secondary to a screen.
Make Out with the Sexy Talk
It’s hard to be distracted when you’re busy telling your partner about all the dirty things you want to do to them. If you’re new to dirty talk, don’t stress. It doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, the simpler the better. Ask your partner how they like it, or (if you’re the dirty talk recipient) say what you want!
Don’t worry about building a whole narrative, just focus on your partner’s reactions and your desires. Dirty talk can really build up the anticipation and what better way to maintain someone’s attention.
Try Kinky Role Playing
Doctor-patient, teacher-student, mad scientist-lab technician—the sky’s the limit. Like dirty talk, roleplaying keeps you involved in the sexual act in more than one way, making it harder for your mind to wander. You can even use any possible moments of distraction to your advantage by building them into a punishment-reward scenario. Is your student not paying attention? More spankings for her!
Like any kink or BDSM practice, you’ll want to have a safe word and clear boundaries that have been set out ahead of time
Bond Outside the Bedroom
The more you do as a couple to strengthen your relationship, the easier it will be to stay focused on each other during sex. This is especially true for poly couples, as it’s easy to skip the more date-like activities that create a shared experience, in favor of time in the bedroom.
I get it, time is often limited and sex screams the loudest, but bonding will make the sex more emotional, and that has a way of helping us zero in.
Do you have any tips for staying focused during sex? Leave a comment!