3 Ways to Build Intimacy in Poly Relationships

I’m often struck with a sense of disbelief about the complexities and wonder of my poly life. I’m not sure why the developments in my relationship are so surprising to me, or what I truly expected when I began my poly journey a year and a half ago, but without question, the experiences I’ve shared with my partner and metamour have been some of the most intimate and significant of my life.

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This disbelief hits me the hardest when I’m talking to my non-poly friends about a new degree of closeness that has developed within my polycule. They are fascinated by how non-monogamy can succeed and their reactions are a reminder to me that many of us (myself included) are coming to polyamory with a head full of mainstream monogamous expectations.

Did I really think that my partners and I could achieve true intimacy within the context of a poly relationship? I’m not sure that I did. And yet here we are, growing deeper in our connections every day.

3 Examples of Unexpected Poly Intimacy

1.  Being Witness to Each other’s Relationship Struggles

Something I didn’t expect when I became involved with my partner and metamour is the degree to which we would become so relaxed and comfortable about revealing our individual relationship challenges to one another.

I was surprised the first time I witnessed a heavy emotional conversation between my partner and metamour. We were staying at a cottage together and their stresses from home had followed us there. I asked if they wanted some privacy, but to my surprise they asked me to stay.

As I listened to their conversation, I felt that I was being given a gift of insight into their innermost thoughts. It was a unique opportunity to learn more about my partner and to observe a very private aspect of their life together. I was really moved by the experience.

2. Conversations about the Future

Further into our stay at the cottage, we got to talking about the future and about how lovely it would be to one day live together. The whole time we were mapping out our plans, I felt excited, as if a dream I didn’t even know I had was coming true. Even if our dreams never come to fruition, I feel that my heart and mind have benefited from the influx of possibly.

Poly relationships, especially the kitchen table variety, open up a whole new world of options when it comes to creating a future filled with love and support. I’m part of a family now, not just a relationship.

3. Getting Naked Together

This happened fairly organically for us and was not for sexual reasons (though to each their own). Because we were spending so much time together, we decided that we wanted to feel more comfortable and natural. I hated putting on my pyjamas just to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, so we decided one afternoon to just get naked. From that moment on we all felt more relaxed and free.

It felt like that point in any relationship when the formalities fall away, and you suddenly feel that you can brush your teeth while your partner is sitting down to pee. This is a special level of intimacy that I’ve achieved in only one or two of my past monogamous relationships. I never imagined it would develop within our polycule, but I’m so happy that it has.

Maybe I’m writing this post in response to those therapists and pessimists who insist that polyamory is a tool for avoiding intimacy. My experiences prove otherwise and I look forward to challenging each and every aspect of monogamous conditioning as time goes by.

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