Adjusting to Different Sexual Needs in Poly Relationships

Having multiple partners is wonderful. It allows for deeper connections with more people and offers lots of sexual variety and learning opportunities.

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It also presents the unique challenge of adjusting to multiple needs and preferences, especially if you’re adding a second partner to the mix in an already established relationship. You’ve spent years leaning how to please one partner but those skills aren’t 100% transferable to someone new. How can you deal with that?

Resist Making Comparisons

Every body is different. The fact that one partner loves it when you go down on her but the other one just lays there looking at the ceiling with an expression that only her gynecologist has seen, doesn’t necessarily mean that your first partner finds you hotter. It could just be that your new partner has a different sensitivity threshold, or doesn’t like oral sex. Not everybody does!

There are so many ways to get creative in bed and lots of time to discover what works and what doesn’t. Drawing comparisons will only close your mind to the possibilities.

Talk Freely about Your Needs

It helps if you can have an open dialogue with each of your partners about sex. Don’t be afraid to get really specific about what you need. Ask lots of questions, then try your best to follow through. Be patient and make yourself vulnerable so as to create an environment of trust and caring.

Try to think of each relationship as separate and worthy of its own time and effort. Even secondary and tertiary partners require this kind of special attention.

Be Prepared to Learn a Few Things

And be happy about it! Think of it as adding to your sexual skill set, rather than a commentary on your existing abilities. What you learn could even benefit your other partners, which is always a plus.  

Don’t be afraid to take in some constructive criticism. When it comes to sex, we all feel a little vulnerable but it’s so important to be able to receive and act on feedback, if you want to become a better lover.

Don’t Set a Timeline

What’s the rush? Putting pressure on yourself or your partner(s) will only make the sex worse. Overthinking your actions or comparing the time it takes to get one partner off versus an other is just a recipe for misery.

Take your time, be in the moment and really enjoy every part of the process. You won’t lose your poly cred if you can’t please all your partners equally at all times! Also, staying in the moment will help you to remain focused on who you’re with. How awkward is it to have to be like, “Oops. My bad. You’re not the one who enjoys that.”

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