Poly Relationships

Asking Your Lover for What You Want

Couple Engaging in Pillow Talk

The Gentle Art of Asking for What You Want

Here’s a good one: “Integrity is keeping true to what you say to yourself. Honesty is keeping true what you say to others.” And I do believe it is that simple to break down the difference between what constitutes a deception of self to a reflection of self. We are all complex creatures with a never-ending list of evolving energetic phenomena eminating from our essence. What are we having the courage to be conscious about, as well as the capability to create in our world, as a result of our expression and connection to desire and intimacy?

As you lay on your death bed, will you reflect on all the lovers you had or all the lovers you wish you had? Maybe a bit of both, but I humbly suggest the more VALUABLE memories would come from the memories of the lovers that were REAL.

And HOW did you receive time from the various people you cared to do so in life? You (hopefully) asked for it.

To receive anything beyond what we earn ourselves and take for ourselves from our private privileges and resource responsibilities in life, we have to ask for. And asking emotional requests from others is arguably the most challenging and humbling aspects of relationships.

Furthermore, possibly asking a person polyamorous questions such as “do you mind if she joins us?” or “what is your pronoun?” or “are you comfortable with our new arrangement?” are things that poly people may have to ask that are never approached by most monogamous relationships. Because a request is a desire for MORE.

Polyamory requests to expand the boundaries of a relationship is what keeps them growing, unpredictable and refreshing. But the fear of asking for more is a serious fear, even in poly partnerships. It’s not exactly easy to ask for the extra magical five-person fantasy fuck you have always dreamed of, and it’s not quite that easy to confess an unexpressed desire to feel some new blissful experience you just discovered.

But with integrity and honesty, it’s possibly as simple as asking for your next meal! If the ingredients aren’t in the fridge, then you simply cannot have your dream dinner, and you will have to enjoy your regular entrée. But if you happen to ask for a deluxe gourmet imported delicacy, and the right chef is in the right mood and the kitchen is stocked with all the necessary accoutrements, then VOILA! And bon appetit.

You can’t enjoy unicorn meat if you don’t ask for it! You never know. Polyamory is beautiful, discovering all the flavors of fun and love one can explore when requesting more. All it takes is courage, integrity and honesty.  Just reveal yourself to your lovers, and see if they say YES! to giving you more. The answer is a simple truth, at the end of the day. Just ask “would you be accepting of me seeking another lover?” or “can we explore the meaning of this personal dark fantasy I’ve always had?” or “is it possible to bring our relationship to a place we have never have tried before?”

You may never get the beautiful answers in life to the questions you don’t ask!

And as a final note, I’d like to put a polyamorous twist on an old saying: “better to beg for permission, than ask for forgiveness!”

In love,
Addi Stewart

What is the most vulnerable thing you have had to ask another person for?

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