Tips & Advice

5 Things to Discuss Before You Open Your Relationship

Polyamory Triad

So you’d like to try the whole polyamory thing… now what? Should you read a ton of poly-related books? Troll the bar as a couple? Sign on for the next orgy at your local sex club?

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Of course you can do all these things and more if you really want to, but not before you hash out a few of the poly basics.

5 Things to Discuss before You Open Your Relationship

1. What Relationship Model Do You Want?

Are you looking for some casual sex on the side, or do you want a collection of fully intimate and emotional relationships? Do you want to place limits on the number of new partners you can have, or just see were things go? There are many different ways to structure your poly relationships. What’s important is that everyone is on the same page.

2.  How Much Time Do You Want to Devote to a New Partner?

If you’re already busy with work and the demands of home and your current relationship, you might not have a lot of time to dedicate to someone new. If you’re looking for another serious and egalitarian relationship, you might first need to make a few changes that will allow you to open up your calendar. Talk to your current partner before committing your time to someone new, and try not to make dates you can’t keep.|

3. How Much Do You Want to Know About Each Other’s Love Lives?

Some people get off on hearing every little detail about what goes on between the sheets when they’re not there. Other people consider that level of discretion to be torturous and jealousy inducing. Be honest about how much you want to know, and always respect your partner’s boundaries. Leave room for growth in this area but don’t try to rush things.

4. How Are You Going to Meet New People?

Will you try the online dating thing? Poly speed dating? Will you search for someone on your own or help each other choose? Some primary poly couples have an agreement which states that they have to meet and approve one another’s dates, while others opt for a more open, independent approach.

5. How Much Are You Willing to Share with Friends and Family?

Be sure to talk about this before you bring your new partner to the family barbeque, or tell your best friend about how lucky you are to have all the sex you can handle. Coming out as poly can be risky, from both a social and a professional perspective, so think it out a lot before you take the plunge and figure out a disclosure strategy that you and your partners can agree upon.

Think I missed something? Leave your thoughts in a comment.

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