Primary Partners vs. Egalitarian Poly Relationships

This is a divisive subject in the world of polyamory that I occupy. And just like the other Civil War that came out in the world recently, there is no right or wrong side to take on this issue, just what works for one’s personal value system and moral identity. That being said, I’m PURE TEAM CAPTAIN AMERICA because I’m all about freedom, baby! Ha ha!

If you want to have one main poly lover and a few on the side, do that. If you want to have a bunch of poly lovers and not really prioritize any of them, do that. Whatever works best for you is what you need to figure out and manifest for you and your partners. And that’s the path forward together in the poly world of sharing sexual space and time.

Meet poly singles and couples now at!

But… when you meet someone who inspires new levels of intimacy and connection and power-sharing and passion, what happens then? Because we all know it happens from time to time. And often times, when one least expects it.

And when it happens on top of everything you’re already experiencing in life… where do you put that emotion? You never hide it, but do you put it on the top of everything and everyone already there in your life? Or do you find a way to restructure your relationships to balance your reality in new lovely ways?

There is no one right or wrong answer. But I do personally lean towards subscribing to the theory, radical as it may sound, that a hierarchy system of sexuality is a dangerous precipice to place all of one’s hopes and dreams on, and putting everything on one person is an almost guaranteed way to watch it collapse. But not always, and not with everyone. I do confess this much.

I also know that not everyone has the same needs and desires and wants as me, so how could I say what doesn’t work for me wouldn’t work for them? I’ve seen it happen both ways.

A hierarchy in polyamory has not worked for me in the past, when a lover wanted to be considered primary, even though we already lived together and had sweet sex together. I’ve seen a primary relationship be the best connection possible in life… until that person lost trust in the singular love scenario because they were nervous I would always want to be polyamorous and with other people. So the monogamous primary lover scenario didn’t work for me, either! 

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t! No, I really don’t believe that. I believe in trying to invent the lightbulb with love. If it takes ten thousand attempts to figure out what kind of poly energy lights up your life… then go and meet ten thousand people! Because #10,001 will make you feel like you’re living in the prime of your life, whether they’re your primary lover or not!

In love,
Addi Stewart

Tell us what you think

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments