Polyamory Is Hard: Truths About Polyamorous Living

It’s not always easy to make a dream come true, which is why there are countless dreams people have that remain unfulfilled.

Dreams range from seeing Egyptian pyramids to having a threesome. Some people dream of both but haven’t experience either. I dream of both… but have only had threesomes! Wish me luck to have a threesome someday, with pyramids in the distance, ha ha. I say that to say: Polyamory is hard.

Polyamory may be more socially acceptable than it has ever been, but the truth is less than 10% of people in society are actually practicing ANY version of non-monogamy, collectively.

Read: ENM Relationships: 10 Examples of Ethical Non-Monogamy

There are polyamorous people, consensual non-monogamists, swingers, group-sex enthusiasts, relationship anarchists, hotwifing and cuckolding couples, but we are all minorities!

It’s never easy being a minority in any society, and there are subtle sacrifices that one has to make to successfully practice polyamory. But just as someone who saves their money for months to pay for a trip to Egypt… there are benefits to the sacrifices!

Read: 6 Benefits of the Polyamory Lifestyle

For now, let’s look at some of the challenges of the polyamorous lifestyle.

8 Hard Truths about Poly Living

1. It Can Be Harder to Find Poly Partners

When will you tell new prospects that you are NOT monogamous or NOT trying to get married? This lifestyle choice, especially for people ages 21-55 (there seem to be more variables after, just a general observation) will disqualify you from some people’s dating pool.

A few may play with you temporarily, but if there comes a Moment of Truth & Choice, a true polyamorist will say goodbye to any and everyone not ready to be polyamorous.

Read: Coming Out as Poly: Is It the Right Time?

2. Controlling Jealousy Can be Hard

There are obstacles to jump through with jealousy, but it’s a muscle that requires exercise to build. You don’t need to watch your lover in an orgy to exercise that muscle, but you do have to face your personal issues and figure out what you are missing to make you feel secure in your partner’s choices.

I believe monogamous jealousy is harder to deal with, because poly actually gives space to discuss it (as it’s not cheating).

Read: 4 Jealousy Triggers & How to Deal

3. Time Management Is Hard but Essential

Can you schedule your love life around other people’s love lives? Are you ready for such adulting? If not, then you might not have much satisfaction in modern polyamory.

The easiest time to be poly and have easy aligning schedules is in HIGH SCHOOL, ha ha. But that’s usually just youthful experimentation and fluid infidelity. Real polyamory is accommodating others’ open days and nights, and NOT being flaky or unreliable.

Read: How to Make More Time with Your Partners

4. Sometimes You Can Feel Spread Thin

You can’t learn in life or love without making mistakes and surviving them, and this is a rookie poly mistake that will happen to learn your limits if necessary.

There are times when a person can get too greedy, and their erotic eyes can get bigger than their stomach. It’s easy to not know how much is too much responsibility emotionally and sexually, and one day you may feel burnt out. Stop and reset, but don’t quit being poly!

Read: How to Put Your Needs First in Your Polycule

5. There Can Be Conflict With Metamours

Just like a monogamous family might not like a daughter’s boyfriend, a polyamorous family may not like a poly person’s partner. Not everyone gets along, even those who are more accepting and interested in exploring possible connections.

Partner’s partners clash sometimes. The best thing you can do is act civilized and at the very least respectful if you can’t be friendly.

Read: How to Handle a Challenging Metamour

6. More Relationships Can Mean More Heartbreak

The bittersweet truth of poly is that, yes you can have a day where you have sex with two different partners from the afternoon to the evening, but what they DON’T tell you is that you can ALSO have a day where you are dumped by two different polyamorous partners! This is the dark side of the dream.

Read: 7 Lessons to Learn from Polyamory Breakups

7. It Can Be Hard Being Poly in a Mono Culture

Remember, only a small percentage of people in society are actually polyamorous, and even though it’s wonderful to find people who are open to you being with multiple people, there are NOT many people in the world who like to talk about that reality face to face.

I will share that becoming polyamorous has been one of my major life decisions that I have NEVER regretted.

Read: How Many Partners Do Polyamorists Have?

8. Friends and Family Might Have a Hard Time Accepting Your Lifestyle

I am the only person in my family who is polyamorous and I have three brothers and sisters. I don’t mind at all being the odd duck (supposedly), because they are all very accepting of my life and my choices. But I know I’m very fortunate to have an open-minded family.

They decide how much they want to know about my personal love life, and then we just leave the rest for holidays and get togethers to not be an issue. They usually just ask to hear about one partner so they can pretend I’m like them, ha ha. But in my mind, I’m often thinking, yeah, she’s great… and so are the other four, but you aren’t ready for that truth yet.

Read: Family Gatherings and Polyamory: How to Proceed

True friends and family accept what you do that is safe, sane, and consensual. I think there are more gay people than polyamorous, is there not? So acceptance is great for all! Because it’s not easy for anyone to walk an untraditional path to their special dreams.

No pain, no gain!
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart

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