Tips & Advice

Coming Out as Poly: Is It the Right Time?

Flirtatious Girlfriend

Whether or not you publicly announce your private life is a personal decision. If you have a number of girlfriends or enjoy swinging parties, it might be no one’s business but your own. If your girlfriend is in an open marriage, it might be up to her whether she wants to announce that to you’re loved ones or to keep quiet about it.

Should you come out polyamorous, or keep your sex life to yourself? Here are some key points to consider.

What to Consider before Coming Out as Poly

Are you a solo flyer or a team player?

Polyamory is about community. If you want to be part of that, living in shame and silence probably isn’t the best way to go about it. There are lots of meetups, mingles, and events, online and in person. Not to mention in some circles, sex parties and partner swaps. Kind of hard to be part of all that if you don’t want anyone to know that you’re not monogamous.

On the other hand, maybe you’re not ashamed at all, but you are a private person who doesn’t want to announce your every proclivity to Mom and Dad. You keep to yourself and act independently in most circumstances and don’t want to attend any love-ins. You have friends and your closest friends know who you are, and that’s all that matters.

Are your close friends misinterpreting things, or confused?

You might want to open your mouth about the fact that you and your wife are polyamorous if your sister thinks your wife is having an affair and is trying to look out for you. If someone cares about you and sees something confusing, they might have the wrong idea.

You don’t have to make a big announcement in the town paper about your polyamory lifestyle, but it might be a good idea in a case like this to let your sister know that you and your wife have “an arrangement” at least. How much you disclose is up to you, but a little clarification can help everyone involved.

What are your expectations in dating?

If you are looking for casual sex partners and nothing’s too serious or intimate, who you sleep with and how often is your own business.

But if you want to get serious with someone, it’s important to be honest and open with the people you’re involved with. If she’s looking for someone to settle down with one on one, and you’re not, those are distinctions that need discussing.

Full disclosure is important when it comes to safe sex, marriage, children, kink, and all kinds of other topics. Casual dating is different than looking for partners who will really know you. If they “really know you,” they will obviously need to know about your polyamory.

Read What to Share about Being Poly on a First Date.

Do your partners feel like sex objects or objects of shame?

A really important consideration when deciding if the big reveal is necessary: how your partners feel. If a woman feels like you’re hiding her out of shame and secrecy, that’s a problem.

Hooking up with someone for sex is very different from being regular lovers or in a committed polycule. Don’t make a woman feel as if she’s just being used for sex because you don’t know how to tell your mates that you have two girlfriends. Love shouldn’t be on the down low, especially if it’s not!

For more tips on coming out as polyamorous, read Advice on Coming Out as Poly.

Do you have a story about coming out as poly? Please share in the comments!

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