This post is for beginner poly peeps and even some monogamish folks out there who have fears around the polyamorous lifestyle.
7 Polyamory Fears and Anxieties
1. Will I Be Judged for Being Polyamorous?
What kind of world would we live in if we didn’t judge each other’s relationships in comparison to our own ideals and dreams? We would live in heaven on earth, and there would only be observations and celebrations, not condemnations.
You will be judged for being polyamorous, BUT you are a grown adult making your own decisions, choosing the relationship style that works for you so there’s no need to give a rat’s ass about anyone else’s judgment of your polyamory partner lifestyle!
Ask them this if you have to: “I don’t judge your monogamy (or your polyamory) so why do you think you should have the right to speak a word about mine?” Honestly, if anyone has a problem with your poly life, they don’t deserve to be in your daily life or circle of friends.
Some people make the personal choice to not reveal their poly status to their friends and family, and I respect that fully. But if nobody is hurting each other and everyone is honestly participating in the polycule, there’s no reason to judge, slander, shame or disrespect anyone being poly.
I have been polyamorous for twenty years, and I’ve had a spectacular time giving less than NO fucks about what anyone thinks of me and my sweet lovers!
2. I Fear Being Replaced in My Relationship
You can’t be replaced. There’s only ONE of you. Even if you are an identical twin, like me, you can’t be replaced. If someone “replaces” you, there was a misunderstanding of what they actually needed and wanted in the first place.
Life changes, and people move on. In polyamory, it happens in weird ways, just like monogamy. Someone changes their mind and feelings, which they are free to do.
If they get into another relationship immediately after breaking up with you, whether they did it honorably or dishonorably, their new partner can never be a true replacement for you.
3. What if I Become Jealous?
When jealousy arises (and it will), be honest about it and work through it the best you can. Talk about it, don’t dwell or overthink or catastrophize your future. Realize that a lot of your thoughts are your scared, insecure ego telling you that you aren’t enough and someone else is more. This is often not true at all.
Do you need more time with your partner? Ask for it. But not if it’s just to take time away from the person you’re jealous of. Do it to be open about a healthy aspect of polyamory: I’ll be fully satisfied with your sexual adventures if and when I’m satisfied with OUR sexual adventures.
It’s not like you won’t feel worried sometimes, that’s just life with other sexy humans in this digital day and age. But once you confess it, address it, and try to direct it, you can work through it and then get beyond it.
4. What if I Don’t Like My Metamour?
You can’t like every metamour who comes your way, and you aren’t supposed to like everyone. But, can you respect them and have some kind of civilized version of peace when you are in the same room?
I definitely don’t like all the metamours I’ve had to shake hands with. But I don’t hate them, or wish ill upon their relationship with my partner. That’s just sabotage that usually backfires in the worst way. If you don’t like them, try to let your partner know if you can take space when you need to,
Be respectful, and imagine someone out there feeling the exact same way about you!
5. Will Polyamory Dilute Our Intimacy?
If one person can dilute, disrupt, or destroy the entire depth of a relationship, it isn’t polyamory that is causing the problem, it’s the natural lack of foundation already in the situation. Don’t blame poly for a problem that was already in place.
Secondary or egalitarian polycule partners are meant to add to the intimacy that already exists. So your physicality will only expand. There will be challenges, but with honesty and communication, the relationship will only get stronger, not more diluted.
7. What About Sexually Transmitted Diseases?
It’s not that big a deal, but there is a moral requirement to let all your partners know, and then get tested and taken care of immediately and accordingly.
What do you do when you get the stomach flu or an ear infection? You go to the appropriate physician, and you get it taken care of. Being poly doesn’t mean you have more risk of STDs/STIs, not if you are diligent and ask people the questions that answer these issues before you are sexual!
7. I Don’t Know if I Have Time for This!
The fear of not having enough time for more than one partner is a valid concern for the poly-curious crowd. Polyamory requires consistent good scheduling. It all falls apart if you are double-booking and mixing up who you’re dating and fucking in the poly playground.
You have to really think and decide if your life can sustain polyamory and the various requirements of what each different relationship needs, how much quality time partners want from you, how compatible your lifestyles are, and if they will get along with your friends and family.
You may not have the time in your work/life/hobby/social schedule to truly manage two, three, or more intimate polyamorous relationships. Everyone has a bandwidth for bonding, a capacity for connection, and a propensity for polyamory.
I had ten different poly partners in 2018, and I only took one day off per week to recharge. I was dating and fucking six days a week! Ask yourself how much time you’ll dedicate to your poly dream.