In the olden days, how did we polyamorous people do it? How did we find one another, let alone determine who might or might not be sexually suited to us?
I guess we posted ads in our local newspaper’s classifieds, but how archaic! Not only did this limit the amount of information we could communicate in one go, but it only served to connect us to a tiny portion of the poly population. Thank goodness for the vast reaches of the internet, and our ability to craft online dating profiles geared to our specific sexual needs.
How to Attract Sexually Compatible Poly Partners to Your Online Dating Profile
Be Clear about Your Needs
Get specific about what you’re seeking, and don’t be afraid to set clear boundaries regarding what you do and don’t want. When it comes to poly dating, there are so many avenues for sexual expression. Do you want to explore your wild side with a kink-experienced lover? Are you looking for a third to join you and your partner between the sheets?
Maybe you aren’t really sure what you want but feel open to the possibilities? Lead with that! The important thing is that you’re honest and straightforward in your requests.
If you see a profile that piques your interest but doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, ask questions! Start with some social niceties, and just go with the flow. If the person you’re messaging seems embarrassed or put off by your line of questioning, back off and try again later. If they tell you that they’re uncomfortable and want you to stop, respect that.
Some people are just not into talking about sex, and that’s fine. If you feel inclined and they’re open to it, spend some time getting to know one another. There can be plenty of opportunities for conversation later on. It doesn’t really matter how soon the two of you decide to talk about sexy things, just that you do at some point.
Do a Targeted Search
I met my partner of four and a half years on a poly-friendly dating site. I think it worked out so well because we were encouraged to answer all these questions about our lifestyles, values and sexual desires, then filter matches based on specific answers. We came up as a 98% match, and I feel to this day that the number is totally accurate.
Even if the site you’re using doesn’t offer such a detailed approach, you can still target your search by deciding ahead of time what you’re looking for. Really think about it, and maybe even make a list that you can refer back to as you consider potential matches. Sense of humor? Check. Insatiable libido? TBD, but outlook looks good. You get the idea.
Involve Your Partner in Your Search
Who—besides you—knows more about what you need in a sexual partner than someone who already holds the honor? If your relationship is such that it can handle direct online dating involvement, ask your current partner to search on your behalf, or have them review your shortlist and offer opinions.
If you don’t want to make it such a cooperative effort, but still need someone to help you figure out what you want, ask your partner to interview you about your desires, or ask them to open up about their impressions of the kind of lover you need. Take advantage of the openness afforded by your polyamorous lifestyle to find the right fit for you.
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