WARNING: Please pardon the slight tone of irritation or dissatisfaction that may be conveyed in this post. It’s my biggest poly pet peeve!
I get it. Shit happens. It happens to everyone, and we all gotta clean up a mess in the washroom sometimes. Unavoidable, unfortunate shit happens to plans to make love! But when shit happens, what do you do? Leave the shit there for someone else to clean up, or do you take responsibility and clean it?
This is enough excrement expression. I’m making this extended metaphor for a simple reason. I’ve had enough shit!
When you cancel, make plans to reschedule.
Polyamorous people are usually busy people. This is a wonderful new lifestyle choice for people in the 21st century. We’re all busy, we’re all moving around, we’re all interested in a variety of things. So when we try to get together and hang out, there’s times when it can’t happen. People try, people fail. But failure means nothing if you get back up, and do like Aaliyah says: dust yourself off and try again.
Please have the INTEGRITY to reschedule your intentions for a future date. If you really wanted to meet up with the person in the first place, and weren’t just pretending to want to spend time with them. If you’re making plans with people to have a coffee, a conversation, or a play date in the next few days or weeks, and you cancel every time the day comes… then if you don’t want to be a selfish, horrible person, decide if you MEAN IT when you make plans!
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If you cancel and then apologize, then DON’T make new plans to reconnect; it’s like you didn’t mean to meet up in the first place! If you cancel and then apologize and then make plans to reconnect, then you have cleaned up the mess.
Shit happens, but cleanliness is next to godliness, and god always happens at the right time. Some people really don’t respect others’ time or space or schedule; and if you are that kind of person, you have little business being polyamorous.
Straight up, its best to just disappoint one person repeatedly and be monogamous, rather than try to be polyamorous and constantly be disappointing multiple people. It’s a destructive and disaster-filled approach to human relationships. You need to take some time alone and think about your lack of honor, if you repeatedly fail to uphold the promises you make to people.
Your word is your world! There are no excuses after a certain point. It’s just about doing the damn work and showing the fuck up. No matter how sexy or ugly you are, no matter how busy or free you are, no matter how pursued or repelled you actually are, no matter fucking what.
I don’t think anyone has to be perfect and nobody is. But it’s best to try and keep at least six out of every seven promises you make! Try your best. If you are that consistent, try to improve! Try to keep sixteen out of your next seventeen promises to meet up with people during the month!
NO CANCELLATIONS! ZERO NO-SHOWS! NO FAILURES TO APPEAR! NO FLAKING OUT!
Can you be that reliable polyamorous dream lover? YES. YOU. CAN. I can, and I will always try to get better. You should too. It will only help to improve your sex life.
No big deal? Yes. Actually IT IS a big deal to not cancel, and to show up to your fantasies being born!
In love,
Addi Stewart
Also read: Polyamory Time Management
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