Pretend you are in one of the best relationships of your life. Right now, you are with the person of your absolute wildest fantasies. They are the type of lover you wish you could spend uncountable amounts of time with. Laughter and conversation is never at a low. Revelations are delivered. Songs are shared. Movies would have been too, if you two even had time to stop focusing on each other for an hour. But no: you two were making too much love for a movie to even be tuned into while spooning.
I’m saying: one of those GREAT relationships. The epic ones that alter your molecules forever. The connections that get deeper and deeper with every breath and gesture together. That super deluxe magic freedom that allows you both to be with other lovers, but it’s not much of a priority to find other partners, because this passion is so pure and powerful, what more does a heart need to know than it is in heaven?
Yeah, it was THAT good.
But, then… she said “bye”.
You know why? Because it was TOO good. That was honestly one of the reasons why I think our blissful bond was severed. There were other factors involved in her decision to stop growing our love, but I do believe that the overwhelming love that I was giving her became too much for her to accept. Which is both a good and bad thing on my part, and hers. But primarily, bad on mine, because: she’s out of my life, word to Michael Jackson.
But am I destroyed? Damaged? Furious? Wounded? Distraught? Depressed? Cynical? Angry?
Am I even sad?
No.
Why?
Because I’ve been rejected, mistrusted, disrespected, misunderstood, denied, abandoned, Abandoned and ABANDONED so many times through irresponsible selfishness and fear, avoided, unfriended, questioned, and outright cut off by so many women who were not ready for the truth and love of the particular incarnation of polyamory freedom I was offering them, as my personality is truly a rare breed of lover. Read a few of my previous columns here if you doubt my claim. Anyways, the point is: she’s gone
But is my hope in polyamory gone? No. Is my hope in finding women who can accept me gone?
No.
Is my love gone? Not in the slightest.
What? Why? How?
Because of one simple act of internal intent: I let go of hoping she will ever come back. I have to. It’s the only way I can exist without wanting to call her or ask her if I can help her, or try things that won’t even heal her as much as they will heal me…
So I let all of my fantasies for a future with her die right in the sacred spot they were standing.
Polyamory demands absolute, unequivocal, infinite freedom, right? She had it with me from moment one. And now, her choice to utilize her freedom has taken her out of my world, and into her own; so I have to let no strings attach my burning heart to her mysterious feelings.
If so, she’ll always be leaving, and I’ll always be getting dragged behind her, screaming and bleeding. And seeking something that I’m needing; but she isn’t believing her deepest, interwoven, slow-roasted truth is a delicacy she needs to be feeding me for any enlightening reason. No matter how fucking magnificent this relationship was (and trust me, this was the kind of stuff Hollywood scriptwriters salivate over to turn into rom-com box-office smashes with Sandra Bullock and Channing Tatum-types), I can’t want it. I have to wrap the precious memories of her in a silk ribbon, put it in a treasure chest and lock it tight, then throw that sacred chest off the plank into the ocean of my highest hopes and deepest dreams.
It will sink to the bottom, and never open again. But I know it’s there, and I will always cherish the treasure that are the diamond, ruby, and emerald memories we carved out of reality together.
But I burned the map to return to the spot where the treasure was dropped. (Is this metaphor even working? LOL.)
I let it all go.
And that’s why it doesn’t hurt to lose out on experiencing potentially one of the best relationships of your life. If you only meet the girl of your dreams for ONE moment – cherish that moment. Don’t fantasize about all the future moments you want and wish between you and Mrs. Dreamgirl.
As soon as you let go, you’re on your way to healing.
I never said it was going to be painless. Are you crazy?!
You burn a billion dollars, and you are going to feel the heat of the inferno, plus the strain of cleaning up the mountain of ashes, even if you zen monk your way to not EVER thinking twice about the completely unimaginable level of actualized potential previously living in the billion dollars that has just evaporated into burnt air…
Kiss it goodbye to taste your salvation, sanity, soul and your freedom.
I love her, but I can’t love her if she can’t love me equally, and I can’t let my love for her make me suffer emotional inequality with her simply for the sake of seeing if we might share one more day together…
No. Those days are locked up deep in the ocean of the past, but if she wants to dive deep and give me more of herself as a present… our infinitely beautiful and brilliant masterpiece of a love will have a future.
And I will hold it so very close to my heart.
But in this very moment, I hold nothing even close to an expectation from her. And it lets me fly.
You can’t get off the ground and fly if you are heartbroken. But as soon as you let go of drowning in the hope that the cause of the pain may return to heal you… then you are free to float in the sky again… and you can survive anything that happens in the wild nature jungle of love.
In truth,
Addi Stewart
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