Polyamorous Complexity:
The Presence of the Past
Even though I write this column proudly proclaiming that polyamory is a virtually perfect relationship system that brings me endless joy in virtually every day of my life, the sad reality is: polyamory is NOT FOR EVERYBODY. Some people really are better with monogamous relationship structures and connections. Some people are just greedy, ha ha.
But some people are perfectly good with a variety of lovers to spend their days and nights with.
One of the problems with this situation is: with a lover that has more than you as his or her significant other, there always lies the possibility of them being heartbroken or betrayed or hurt by more than one person, or just you. They DO have the possibility of learning and finding new lessons and beautiful inspiration to bring back into your heart and home… but the flip side of that is that they also risk the chance of bringing in pain from other sources back to you. And furthermore, we live in an era where polyamory is a relatively new concept, and not a full generation of people have been practicing it together. It’s still a pretty innovative and misunderstood concept to the masses at large, and polyamorists are still trying and failing and rising and falling and stepping forward and backwards in love and relationships. People get hurt. People fail. People change their minds. People change their hearts. People change their hopes and dreams, too. And these things cause YOUR life to face the changes that the people in your life are experiencing…
The impact of our past partners affects our decision-making with our present partners… thus the impact of our partner’s past partners must also affect the decisions of our present partners. There is no way that we can live a polyamorous life in isolation from the experiences felt by other people in the web of our emotions. We must be aware of this truth when we meet our partners and lovers, and we must respect it to the fullest. If we do not, then we risk unexpected and unprecedented pain and suffering when we are experiencing a perfectly normal and healthy relationship connection with our partner… but then face a moment of crisis and pain together because they are experiencing something painful and difficult with another one of their poly partners. If you are an honorable citizen of Polyamorylandia, then you will do your duty as an upstanding member of a compassionate society, and remain present and caring for your lover as they deal with the pain and troubles of another unfortunate situation, infiltrating your paradise.
It hurts. It happens. But it helps to just have an open heart and an ear that hears things you may not have been the catalyst for, but can remain the receptionist to. And the benefits of being able to navigate the terrain of not only YOUR polyamorous possibilities and partners, but also the ever-reverberating and echoing energy field of all your poly partner’s partners is a skill that cannot be undervalued or unappreciated by all but the most choice lovers and sexual superheroes of the world!
It’s a hard job, but somebody’s gotta love it. Might as well be you!
Always in love,
Addi Stewart
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