The Struggle to Practice Compersion is Real

There’s this blonde out there who has me head over heels. We have electric fire chemistry, and we can’t keep to ourselves when we’re close. I adore her and cherish her beyond belief.

Then I found out that her favorite musician is one of my favorite musicians, OMFG. This was a super one-in-a-million chance, this particular co-incidence. It just made me like her way more than usual.

We had our first cuddle session after knowing each other for over two years, and just eyeing each other from the corner of our desires, like baby eagles preparing to hunt their prey. Et voila, we became emotionally conjoined and blammo, it felt awesome to put her on the list of Lovers In My Life.

So, I don’t know if you can imagine my disappointment and frustration when I came to a poly public gathering that many of us in the community frequent, and I discover her there with one of the most displeasing chaps I have the awkward and unappealing necessity to interact with in the poly community.

This guy isn’t the worst of the worst dudes in the poly circles I attend, but he’s someone who I don’t trust and I don’t like much at all. Even so, I do make the most basic efforts to keep him at the level of acquaintance, because he has been with people I have relationship history with.

This time though, he’s cuddled up beside someone who I am very VERY passionate about being with! And it’s a wonderful test for me to practice real polyamory:

  1. Bow out gracefully, without being jealous or controlling of the situation.
  2. Practice compersion, or the new word I learned for taking delight in the happiness of others: mudita (Sanskrit).
  3. Give a new partner space to receive all they need from the relationship.

So that’s what I did. And I am continuing to do. He really irks me, and I have trouble making even the smallest of small talk with him out of basic human respect.

She looks happy when she’s with him, so I’m happy for her. And me being happy for her doesn’t discount my feelings of dislike towards him. We just don’t click. He’s a nerdy dude whose sexual energy remains suspicious to me.

But her? My GOD we have electric fireworks between us, and I look forward to feeling the fullness of us. I just don’t want to hear any details about what she’s attracted to in him. I feel like Bryan Cranston dealing with James Franco, some oddball that my daughter is dating. Welp.

I just don’t want to be near him. If she’s around and he’s close, I prefer not say hello. Love her. Can’t stand him. Still gonna be with her.

Addi Stewart

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