It sucks sometimes. Three cancellations in three days. Saturday night alone, after someone feels like they can’t make the same sacrifice. Simply inconsistent behaviour.
Occasionally, it all just seems like its falling apart. Texts don’t get returned. Plans get shifted, then cancelled. People fuck up and then don’t take enough responsibility to remove the disappointment. And then you’re left wondering, what do I even want?
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And you question things. You question everything—polyamory, sex, love, society, religion, marriage, science, the meaning of life, our place in the universe as human beings… why do we even go through the madness of it all? WHY?!? *shakes fist to sky*
It happens. But then what?
I was seriously considering looking for a primary partner, which is something I thought I would NOT have to do. The last time I had a primary, it ended after six years in the most brutal betrayal of my entire life—it scarred me for two years! I left all the people in a social circle I was once highly involved in, so I could lick my wounds and heal my heart.
The experience soured me on the potential of primary lovers, just like I’m not much of a fan of the whole long-distance relationship. I never say it can’t work. I’m just saying it’s not for me. Just like primary relationships. But… after suffering the polyamory blues for the last week, and having a bunch of pretty close lovers reveal to me that they aren’t as close to me as I want them to be in moments of loneliness, then… a guy starts to weigh his options on different scales of importance.
It happens. Now what?
I reassess everything and everyone. I have a potential rendezvous tomorrow night. And if it doesn’t go through, I honestly am going to have to SAY SOMETHING LOUD.
I feel like my partners might be taking me for granted, or some of them are feeling something, but not quite communicating it to me. And if that’s the case, then whoa nelly! We’re just going to have to nip that sucker in the bud and make sure I emerge from the muck unscathed and unblemished, my good sirs and madams.
I will not sit in the shit and let garbage happen to me, because some people aren’t able to tune up their integrity instruments, and join me in harmonizing our hearts together. I will not let a beautiful woman manipulate my time and energy and attention while delaying the progress of our relationship, simply because she is too lazy, self-absorbed, vain or manipulative to just sacrifice her fear and connect to me.
All that shit gives me the blues, and to know how shitty the modern dating scene can be for women (causing them to feel unable to meet my desires because of their stressful scenarios) is simply hell on earth in triangulated formation.
Hell happens.
The ONLY thing I can end this off with, is the parable about the wisest men in the world making books for a king about the highest wisdom ever. The books were too much, so the wise men came back a year later with one book, and even that was too much. So the wise men came back one year later, with one piece of paper containing one sentence, that was supposed to be the sum total of all the wisdom in all the books over all the years.
This one piece of wisdom is what I will end my excruciating blues moment with:
“THIS TOO SHALL PASS.”
Love,
Addi
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