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Do Poly Lovers Ghost Poly Lovers?

Woman Texting in Bed

What happens after your favorite person ghosts you after making big plans with you? I don’t know. I’m asking you what I should do.

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I have a poly lover who is one of the most magnetic people I’ve ever met, touched, hugged, spoken to, learned from, or shared my spirit and body with. Straight up and down! It was love at first sight, and only grew deeper, higher, sweeter and nicer from there.

We hooked up many times. We spoke on the phone. Shared texts of dreams and joys. We shared some dark stuff too, some of our imperfections and insecurities. So I know more than just the sexy side of this angel. I’ve been introduced to a few demons of hers.

I loved where we are going. It’s been about two or three months, and the momentum was only increasing and expanding in a cute crescendo of cuddly nyphomaniacs. I didn’t have a single moment to complain about in the entire relationship we’ve shared magically, and polyamorally (is that even a word? Welp, it is now) until last week, that is.

We made love, and it was nice, sweet and chill. Before she left, she asked when I wanted to see her, and I told her the next day I was free. She asked me to write it on my calendar, and I did. Boom. Anticipation seeds planted in the garden of time’s dreams.

So, the days were coming closer and closer. We are both busy, we are both poly, and we are both not newbies, so I didn’t bother her with any need for confirmations or reassurance. That’s something that early relationships might need to do more often.

I like to randomly keep the connection fresh and spunky, but I don’t really do the daily text thing or the needy communicator thing. I’m not in grade ten, and I don’t always need to know where my lovers are. But I do like to know that they will show up when they say they will because I always show up when I say I’m going to.

You may not hear from me for three months, but if I told you I’m going to reach out to you in four months, you can expect to hear from me then. That’s my weird way of loving! At a distance, but absolutely and definitely, I am still present. She wasn’t when she said she was going to be, and I haven’t heard from her since.

It bothers me when it happens like this, with women I adore and cherish, for a variety of shitty reasons: minor heartbreak, compassionate concern, and egotistical disappointment. They are all right here and now, they are all fresh out the box, and they ain’t waiting for my patience to make a logical statement. I want to know what happened to my lover!

What do you do if and when you are ghosted by people you have deep connections to? I’m not talking about people you JUST met on Tinder. I’m talking about someone you know intimately. I’m not one for giving chances, as I operate by circumstances, and a case-by-case basis. But what do you do? What kind of limits work for you? I guess it really comes down to poly boundaries.

My heart is a house. If someone ghosts me, and I still care about them and are affected by them, they still possess a presence in the house of my heart. To cut off someone is like a Pastor Marin exorcism, and I’m not that harsh to the darkness. I’m more of an establish-the-adequate-distance kinda witch doctor, nahmean?

I don’t want them out of my house. I just want to know why they went from physical occupant… to ghost. I hope to resurrect our relationship so that their angelic flesh is close to my heart and soul once again!

In the spirit of understanding,
Addi Stewart

Tell us what you think! 1 Comment

  1. John Cummings

    February 5, 2018 at 4:53 pm

    If there’s someone you’re getting close to, while you’re together, discuss your history and preferences for breaking up. There’s a host of ways to do it: vanish like a ghost, dump by text, negotiate face to face, try to stay amicable friends, come to some agreement on how you each want to stay in touch. If you make clear what your preferences are, check out theirs. If they appear flaky around this – be warned! It doesn’t guarantee they’ll do what they say or what you each agree, but at least you’ve had a chance to convey your feelings and check them out before they vanish. Likewise, talk about how much you value honouring commitments and agreements. If someone can’t show they can do this, they don’t make for great poly partners.

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