Breakups Don’t Have to Be Bad!

Polyamory Problems Solve Themselves, Sometimes

She can’t say I didn’t try.

I was in a particular poly situation recently, that just came to a crashing conclusion. She was a girl who met me under interesting circumstances, and she had her own reservations on participating in a polyamorous relationship with a wild stallion like me, but I told her every single thing she wanted to know, up front and directly truthfully. She had no reasons to distrust me and was building trust with me through the relationship we had chosen to share. It was good, it was fun, it was poly, it was sexy.

Then, about two months into the relationship, she changed her mind. It happens. I said “cool, I will kiss you goodbye, and we can just be friends. I get it, you don’t want to share me with anyone. But I cannot separate with my six other lovers just to be with you. So, let’s be friends!” She said cool. I kissed her goodbye and walked out the door without looking back.

Two days later, she called me and said “I want to see you!” So, I gave her another chance because there was still some emotion in my heart for her. And it continued for another three months, pretty decently. Apart from the occasional control freak demand or manipulative request to meet, I liked her fiery passionate Leo personality. We had great chemistry. We even had a crazy wild threesome with a mutual friend! I thought this was a good sign that we could work through anything. But…

It’s not. You see, when someone likes to be selfish, then there is no winning. And in polyamory, selfishness DOES NOT WORK with making other relationships grow. So, when she started to be selfish and rude and disrespectful to me about little things, I did my best to not pay attention to them. I really worked on focusing on the positives, and not judging her character. I loved that girl, I really did. She learned about how polyamorous partners CAN be there when her parents drive her crazy and she feels like she has no one else to talk to. It’s not just about the great sex. Poly partners can also support her dreams and aspirations, and share books and teach lessons in love that she has never known before. And they can be there to NOT judge your sexual history, when so many other former men in her life have done that. I really did my best to show her a healthy polyamorous relationship.

Then, we tried to do something we never did before. For the sake of respecting her privacy, I will not say what it was. But, let’s just say: IT FAILED. SPECTACULARLY.

And I apologized for my responsibility in that failure. Repeatedly. It was a VERY advanced step to take in a relationship, one that very few people ever do. But we tried it, and it didn’t work exactly how we dreamed it would. But, did I want to give up on the relationship? No. Did she? Yes.

The trust never returned. And she failed to communicate a lot of her issues with me that fateful day. I did not learn how she really felt until she showed up at our final reconciliation rendezvous, and then, after our first emotional breakdown in communication, she started to put on her jacket, and give up on everything we made. I watched it all happen, as I sat there, apologizing for interrupting, apologizing for my temporary frustrations, and for my responsibility in her losing trust when we tried to do something extremely sexually advanced, that she just wasn’t ready for, but told me that she thought she was. So, she left. And I sat there.

Trying to feel bad about it all. But… I couldn’t. I kept looking for pain that she angrily left in my efforts to stay together. I couldn’t find any. I really kept trying to feel horrible for what happened… BUT I JUST COULD NOT DO IT!! I did all that a person could possibly do to try and keep the relationship together. But the other person bailed out. Therefore, I wash my hands of the situation, and say “Namaste, love.”

It’s been about a week, and not for ONE moment in my life have I felt bad, sad or mad that she took her angry, selfish, manipulative negative behaviour out of my life. That was NOT all she was, but her behavior could be that when she wanted. And I have a bunch of other lovers who don’t do that to me, so I have no problem focusing on them, and enjoying a continuously wonderful relationship of us not being rude, manipulative or disrespectful to each other. This one girl had lots of wonderful, amazing, brilliant qualities to her, but to deny the other parts of her darker personality would be a lie and would not serve to create a good thing.

I say all that to say: not every breakup has to be bad! And I RARELY use the term “breakup”, as you know I prefer to say “trust switch”, but I am not sure she wants to create a relationship in the future, so I don’t know if she wants to try and switch her trust in me. I think it’s done for now. Just like a scene in a romantic movie.

You ever see the movie Don Jon with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Julianne Moore and Scarlett Johannsen? If you did, you know the ending was different than most rom-coms.

That’s how my life feels. And it’s pretty. damn. good.

In love,
Addi Stewart

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