Folks who haven’t experienced the poly lifestyle for themselves often envision us as open and accepting of “everything.”
They think we don’t care who we sleep with or who our partners sleep with, and anything goes. They think we don’t experience jealousy, so there’s nothing to fight over when it comes to sex!
This might sound idyllic to some and perverse to others, but one thing we do know: it simply isn’t true.
Polyamorous relationships have a wide range of polyamory rules and boundaries, different for every person, couple, throuple, or moresome.
Just because we don’t have the same rules and limitations as monogamous lovers, that doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings that can get hurt, or limits, or ideas about what is right and wrong.
Each individual has different triggers for jealousy, or for what they find as unacceptable behavior.
What Happens When Polyamorists Break the Rules?
Here, poly people tell all: What sexual sins have you or your lovers committed? Was it a deal breaker or did you work through it?
She slept with someone who is off-limits.
“My primary partner and I—former partner, that is—had all kinds of handy rules and regulations to spell out the yays and nays of our freedom from monogamy and monotony. I come from a kind of free-love background, my folks were kind of anti-authority and swingers, so I never assumed that relationships had to be what religious society expected.
Beth and I were free but we had a list of polyamory rules: no anal with others (just from an STI-risk perspective), no dating my cast-offs (my wife is bisexual), no dating exes (former dates okay, but not exes where you had a relationship that was emotionally involved) and then a break up process.
One day I found out that Beth slept with my FATHER. After a family holiday dinner they met up for wine and a hotel tryst, and she never mentioned it.
We don’t usually disclose all the gory details, but in my opinion, this was crossing a line. My dad mentioned something that ended up giving it away. Beth’s response was that we didn’t have a written rule against that. Well, I never would have dreamed that someone could think it was a good idea to sleep with my DAD just because we hadn’t thought to put it down on the list.
This was just too big a breach of trust to work out, especially since Beth didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with it.” – Jonah, 36
I spied on my partner and her metamour.
“The idea of my wife taking other lovers has always been a big turn on for me, and I often beg her for the filthy details. But she continually tells me that her private life with her lovers isn’t about me, and it’s not ethical to share and make them part of our sex life.
I have asked her to switch to hotwifing, where her lovers ARE part of our sexual excitement, but that isn’t what we were into when we met and married and she doesn’t want to take it there.
One day I knew she was having a lover over, and I had agreed to do some errands and give them the time they needed. She does the same for me, so this was nothing unusual. What was different was that this time, I parked up the street and snuck up on the window in my own backyard, becoming a peeping tom in my home.
I watched him take her from behind. Since she didn’t know I was there, it was not performative—I was witnessing her raw passion, something I wasn’t part of in that instance. It turned me on so much I went back to the car, drove to a secluded spot, and beat off into a McDonald’s napkin. I know this was totally wrong and feel guilty but just thinking of it makes my cock hard right now.” – Kyle, 26
She broke our threesome rule.
“My girl had a fling with my workmate after we had a hot threesome. Our group sex rule is that we don’t date lovers that we share. He had a much larger cock than I do so I got really fixated on it when I don’t really get that jealous of her other partners. It was stupid but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. Annie told me she was sorry, and wanted to make it up to me by having another threesome altogether, but by then they had shared all that private passion and I couldn’t stomach being the third wheel on the wagon.
I got back at her by fucking our shared Nordic blonde and busty babe. I just went over to her house by myself, knocked, and she practically threw herself on me.
All of it feels petty, and I’m not really proud of it. It’s just to show though that poly people can have just as much drama and jealousy and upset as anyone else. I’m poly because I believe it is more natural, not because it saves me from myself or from the worst of anyone else.” – Alan, 23
I kept a big secret from my lover.
“I slept with my ex-husband and his new wife after the wedding, and left my partner downstairs at the bar with someone’s parents talking his ear off. It was a crowded event, and he still doesn’t know what happened. I wasn’t planning that—we both attended the wedding to show how mature we are, how open and how committed to happiness, love, and freedom we are.
I was feeling pangs of longing for Henry, though, we’d been through a lot together and the chemistry was insane, and I let my guard down. He was always a bit nervy and wanted it all the time and suddenly he was kind of orchestrating this kinky scene. I had incredible sex with my guy later that night, but I was thinking of spreading my ex’s new wife’s pussy and entering it with my mouth, and that’s why I came so hard. I’ve never said a word about it.” – Jennifer, 38
Have you broken rules in your poly relationships? Dare to share!